Darkness
by m00ofd00m
Summary: Remus finds that he can't keep running. It's all catching up to him; what he is, who he loves, and how much the truth hurts, and may heal as well. Rated for slash, violence, angst, abuse and language.
1. I'm not your perfect lie

* * *

DARKNESS_Don't turn away  
I pray you've heard  
The words I've spoken_  
  
"Remus!" yelled Sirius furiously after his best friend. He clenched his fist in his palm and tried not to let his suppressed rage show. "Not again! No more of this bullshit, Remus. I want the truth, for real this time." The look of betrayal in Remus' amber eyes was enough to let him know just what a mistake he had made. Again. Confrontations with Remus were almost always a mistake. The tawny haired boy flashed a look of fear in his direction, before Sirius was forced to watch the other boy turn his back on him once again. He couldn't take this anymore. It hurt to much to let this pain take Remus over in silence. It hurt that he could only sit by and watch him suffer. "Why, Remus? Why don't you talk to me? Don't you know we'd all be glad to die for you?" he whispered at Remus' retreating back, not knowing that his friend had heard each word clearly.  
  
_Carry me away  
I need your strength  
To get me through this  
Dare to believe  
For one last time  
And then I'll let the  
Darkness cover me  
Deny everything  
Slowly walk away  
To breathe again  
On my own_  
  
'_I can't take much more. Why won't he just leave me the fuck alone?!'_ cursed Remus, tossing his bangs out of his face with an angry flick. He didn't know who he was angrier at, himself or Sirius. Once again he was being forced to hide who he was behind this mask of indifference. And once again he had to watch someone get torn to pieces for his sake, and damn if it didn't hurt even worse this time. The fear of his friends' reactions if they really knew who he was- what he was- was making him feel trapped in his last sanctuary. It was too much to take, especially when all he wanted and had ever wanted was to trust someone.  
'_Sirius, I swear, I never meant to let it go this far. I know I shouldn't have gotten this close, but it's so lonely on my own sometimes. Please forgive my selfishness_.' Twisting his hands together, he tried to prevent the tears from spilling from his eyes like they were threatening. The pain was always so much worse when it was an accident... Sirius would never hurt him on purpose. That much he was sure of. Unless Sirius found him out. Remus' dirty little secret. He shuddered. He even revolted himself. If he was stronger, he could have purged himself of his insecurities and needs, could have stopped wanting their comfort and concern. He could have prevented this unnecessary dramatization of his nightmares.  
If they really knew they wouldn't have worried about him at all. They would have been right along next to Lucius and Snape, kicking him into mud puddles, ruining his homework assignments, and hating him. He couldn't stand to even imagine it. "No." he repeated quietly to himself. "I won't let them find out. I'd rather die, than let them feel so dirty. They are so much better than that. I have to do it now. I have to let them go, push them away if that's what it takes. Either way, I refuse to let them get hurt by me. That way, when they do find out, they won't have to feel so disgusted; they won't have to know that they were tainted by a werewolf."  
Unwanted, Sirius' angriest moments, usually the way he looked at Lucius, swam into his head, and he choked back a sob. He didn't think he could survive if Sirius looked at him like that. He would rather die a little inside each day, than suffer the hatred of Sirius, who was more important that his own soul. Sirius was a friend who had confessed that he wanted to be more. He didn't want to give him up, but the urge to protect his the black haired boy won over selfish wishes.  
He would pull away now, while he still had the strength. While he still had the conviction. For their good, for my own good. I _can_ do this. But damn him for making this so much harder than it should be. I never asked to fall in love.Angrily he shoved down the hateful voice that whispered I never asked to be bitten either.It just didn't help anyone to think that as often as he did. He was a werewolf, that was his life, and he had to protect even the people he loved from his curse or suffer knowing he had tainted one more innocent.  
'_Like_ him.'  
'__No!_ Never again._' He couldn't keep hiding all of this. It hurt too much, and it was tearing him apart. He was dying a little each day.  
He couldn't stand being left alone with his treacherous thoughts. They were only waiting until he was left with their company alone, and then they would reach out with unseen tentacles and show him everything he hid from himself with daytime distractions. It would be like night- and nightmares- forever. The unbidden thought surfaced that nights wouldn't be so lonely if he had Sirius to share them with.  
'_Stoppit! I don't need them. I don't need him. I don't need anyone! I refuse to need anyone!'_  
A loud voice broke into his inner dialogue. "I found you! Finally. I looked all over the castle for your sorry arse, Remus." said an outwardly cheerful Sirius Black. '_See, you can't trust him, he's already given up on you. He doesn't really want to know.' _Remus looked up into his best friend's face, trying not to snarl when Sirius reached out a hand to set on his shoulder in a friendly manner. He shook off the hand easily, turning away from Sirius like he wasn't there.  
"You can't ignore me Remus Lupin. I won't go away. I'm sorry if I offended you, but I honestly thought--"  
"That's your problem Sirius, you never think!" Remus interjected with all the pent up rage he held inside his small body. The words were soft, but Sirius heard the deadly edge underneath and paled. "I trusted you, and you had to ruin it! Try worrying about someone besides yourself for a turn."  
"How can you say that? I love you. Why is that so difficult to believe? Do you hate yourself that much? Is that why I'm not good enough for you, Re?"  
"Don't call me that, Black. If you really loved me, you'd leave me alone. You're giving me a headache. I'm going to bed. Don't even think about following me." Remus hissed out fiercely, his dark amber eyes flashing with animal anger.  
He couldn't do this. Why did it hurt so much to hurt Sirius? Why did it even matter? He didn't deserve friends in the first place. He was just remedying the situation. For his own good. And especially for their good. 

* * *

_"You're unclean, you filthy, immoral animal. You demean this house with your presence. Why'd God dump you on me anyways? I should beat you just for living, you disgusting thing."_

* * *

_"Why's he here anyways? I thought they locked him up like he belongs. What're you doing out of your cage, werewolf?"_

* * *

_ "Don't give me that damn smirk. If I hear one more thing about any of this funny business, you're in that cage for life."_

* * *

_ "But Pa, I didn't start that fight. I didn't do it, I swear."_

* * *

_"That's a new one. The word of a werewolf. Heh. Get back in your room, you dumb beast."_

* * *

_ "Oooh, papa it hurts, why are you doing this to me? I didn't do it! I'm not an animal. I didn't do it. Please Papa, stop! I didn't do it! Help! You're hurting me! It's burning me, Papa!"_

* * *

"Well, it's better than you deserve, werewolf. Stop crying. It's only silver."  
"Ahhhh!!!" 

* * *

  
Remus woke panting in the middle of the familiar dormitory. The sight of Sirius' canopied bed beyond the red curtains reassured him more than words. Breathing a sigh of relief he wiped a sheen of sweat from his forehead, burying his head in his hands.  
He hated the nightmares. They came every time he closed his eyes, without fail. Nothing made them go away, and most mornings, he woke up feeling more drained that when he'd went to bed. He didn't know why he was forced to relive each moment of humiliation and degradation in such vivid detail, but it served as his reminder to never get too close, to never trust. No one wanted a werewolf. Sometimes he was actually glad for the nightmares, because he was never tempted to let his guard down; not when every night he saw the bars of the silver cage his family had kept him in. Absently he rubbed at the shiny skin around his wrists. The handcuffs his father had put him in when he was bad were made from a silver alloy. They had burned marks into his flesh so deep that half of his childhood had been spent in constant pain. Only in these last years at school had the marks begun to heal over a little, but he still had to wear long sleeves and a wristwatch. When he worked with his sleeves rolled up in Herbology he always wore strips of cloth wound tightly around them, to cover up both the old scars and the more recent ones. He was afraid of the questions his friends would ask if they saw them, and even more afraid of the hurt that would inevitably be in Sirius' eyes. In his years at Hogwarts, Remus had made staying unnoticed an art form. It irritated the Slytherins to no end. Most of the time, no one even noticed he was there. To the friendly eye he was just another shadow against the wall. Except for in Sirius' eyes. Sirius always managed to pick him out in a crowd, or find the corner he was hiding in. Sirius scared him. You could end all this trouble if you just had the guts, coward.He was informed yet again.  
Turning restlessly in the big bed, Remus tried to go back to sleep. After all, the nightmares were behind him now. He could overcome the pain those memories caused, as long as he never let anyone inside again. 

* * *

The next day, on his way back from Herbology, he heard familiar voices in their dorm. James and Sirius were talking. Sirius sounded upset, and Remus quieted immediately, his superhuman hearing making each word as loud as if it had been spoken directly to him.  
"...and he doesn't know. He can't imagine how much it hurts when he says things like that to me. I really wish he would trust me a little. It's like he doesn't want anyone to get inside that cold barrier he puts up every time you ask him something. You should have seen his eyes, Jamie. They were cold as ice, and I've never seen him that mad before. I didn't mean to hurt him. I would never hurt him on purpose. Why can't he see how much I want to know everything that he's hiding from us? He used to just blow me off when I asked him things, but now... he's deliberately trying to hurt me. He's provoking me all the time, and I'm sick of it. I just want the truth. Why is he so afraid of letting me inside?" the anguished voice tore at Remus' conscious mercilessly.  
"Maybe he thinks he's protecting you, although I can't imagine from what. He's so secretive. He doesn't trust anyone, and here you come, destroying his self-assurance that he can keep everyone out. I don't think anyone has ever tried as hard as you're doing, and I think he's scared. No one wants to be found out, Sirius, and he's managed to stay quiet about himself for so long. You must really be shaking him up." James said carefully. Remus backed into the opposite wall, terrified of how close Jamie had come to the real truth. He had to do it now; once and for all, he had to drive Sirius Black and his friends away, before it was too late.  
Steeling himself, he entered the room, snobbishly leaving Sirius' greeting unanswered. He headed directly for his bed and started to take books out of his messenger bag.  
"Hey Remus." said James neutrally. "I was just going over the Potions homework with Sirius, but I think he needs more help than I can give him. You're good at Potions, right?"  
"Yes, I am, and if Sirius is struggling, I would guess it was his own damn fault. I have studying to do." He turned away again and began shoving the books he needed back into his bag hurriedly.  
"Remus!" a warm hand fell on his shoulder. He startled violently, dropping his book bag and whirling to face Sirius in an instant. Seeing the expression on Remus' face, Sirius flinched, and a touch of real fear came into his expression. You're only too right to be afraid of me. whispered a voice in his head  
"What do you want?!" Remus shouted without warning, his eyes wide and angry, masking the fear he was also feeling. "Why won't you just leave me alone?! I don't know what you're problem is! Just stay the Hell away from me!"  
"Why are you doing this?" The pain in Sirius' voice nearly broke his hard won resolve, but he held to it with a stranglehold.  
"Because I can't stand you! Because you drive me insane. Because you're always prying into things you don't even want to understand! Because I hate you! Do you want me to keep going?" Remus felt his entire body shake with the force of his emotions. Only Sirius made him feel this intense burn of _anything. _All he ever did was for Sirius.  
"No, thanks, I think I got the message loud and clear, right Jamie? Let's go." Sirius left, dragging a shocked looking James and slamming the door so hard that Remus actually flinched. Exhausted and drained, Remus slumped down on his bed and tried as hard as he could to hold back tears. '_You did it. You're half way there. He'll hate you, but what does it matter? You'll be free.'  
'Then why am I so afraid?'_


	2. This will all fall down

DARKNESS

* * *

"Something's wrong with him, James. Something big. He can't hate me. I know he doesn't." Sirius looked brokenly at his oldest friend, begging for a reassurances James didn't know how to give.  
"I told you, I think he's hiding something. I don't know what, but I have a hunch that if you could find out what, you'd be a good deal closer to understanding why he does what he does. You could ask Dumbledore if he knows, but keeping people's secrets is something Dumbledore is good at. He probably won't want to give anything away." It was the only thing James could think to say, and he knew that keeping Sirius busy would keep him from going insane.  
"I don't need to ask Dumbledore. I'm going to find out myself. I know what I have to do. It can't be too hard, if we work at it. You told me that you thought all the things Remus does could be explained by what he's hiding, so I'm going to figure out everything I can about Remus that's unusual, and I know quite a few already, and then I'll see if that points out anything that I would have missed by not putting them all together. I'll bet you anything that Remus doesn't expect people to put two and two together to get four, no matter how careful he is."  
James looked at his friend carefully, surprised to see him so worked up over another person. He'd never noticed how close the two were before now, and it unnerved him to see Sirius so bound and determined to win Remus back. It wasn't something he would have expected from his friend. Sirius was the type who got angry at people, and then got even. Never before had James seen him trying to make amends. But his answer was quick all the same. "So where do you want to start?"  
"I think we should write down everything we remember about him that seems odd and everything that we notice from now on. Now, since he isn't speaking to us, we can watch him all we want, and we can get a whole new perspective on him."  
"So what do we know about Remus J. Lupin for starters?" asked James, happy at least that his friend was distracted. Even if it was only temporary.  
"Well, he's shy, and he flinches every time someone touches him, and he's always been afraid to get too close. Sometimes when he gets mad, he can scare the crap out of even the people who are closest to him, even when it's not directed at them. You can just see something in his eyes. I felt it just then, like he can focus all of his rage on one thing, and just burn you alive. He acts dangerous, but I know he wouldn't hurt a fly. It's not like him to be so horrible to anyone! I was really scared when he turned on me like that, Jamie. He looked just like a wild animal that was cornered."  
"Well, you did corner him, Sirius," James pointed out practically. "And we all know Remus is wild. I heard the headmaster say he used to live on the edge of a giant forest in France. He also said something about Remus being a special case. He was talking to a ministry official. I never told you because I didn't think it was important at the time. I guess it is now though."  
"I didn't know he was a special case, but I know he comes from France. He always refused to talk about his home though. It's like he was abused or something, and he obviously hated it there. The few things I have heard him say about home have been horrible. That can't be the whole truth though. He would have told us if something like that was bothering him, and it doesn't explain everything."  
"It's a possibility though, Sirius. You don't know what could have happened to him. I don't think anyone just comes out and talks about that sort of thing. It could explain more than you think, anyways." James tried to be reasonable. Sirius looked slightly panicky.  
"I can't believe I never thought of that before! I mean, if I cared about him I would have noticed something like that. And it's so obvious too. Merlin, I'm a horrible friend. Remus deserves so much better."  
"Don't even think of beating yourself up over it. You're just jumping to conclusions anyways. You don't know anything for sure until you ask him. And something tells me that wouldn't be a pleasant conversation, so let's not do that right now."  
"I guess you're right. I should let thing lie for a while. I need to let him cool down, maybe even start to regret yelling at us. Maybe he'll apologize on his own and everything will be okay." He sounded pathetically hopeful to James.  
"Don't hold your breath Sirius."

* * *

"Hey guys, what are you doing?" asked a mousy looking boy.  
"Hi Pete, we were doing our homework for McGonagall. That lady is a witch. We've been writing all evening."  
"Where's Remus?" Peter asked, his hands twisting together in a long- ingrained nervous habit. "Oh, I think he went to look up some things on werewolves for Professor Jade." Supplied James quickly, exchanging glances with Sirius over his transfiguration homework.  
It was probably true, but the excuse sounded lame to Sirius' ears. He felt horribly depressed. Peter didn't seem to notice the barely concealed tension in the group. He sat down next to them without comment and pulled out his own homework to check his answers with Sirius'. The black-haired boy was the resident expert at transfiguration, so the other three usually copied from him when they could. Remus supplied their Potions answers and James was extremely talented at Charms and DADA. Peter managed to get the best grades in Divination, but was abysmal at Potions and Charms.  
"What's the date?" asked Sirius as he finished up a scroll and marked out his name and class on the top.  
"I dunno..." said Peter helpfully and James just shrugged without looking up from the Potions essay he was labouring over.  
"Fat lot of help you two are." Sirius got up and went to ask a neighbouring table, which just happened to contain a pretty Ravenclaw girl he had once gone out with. She nearly hissed when he came near, but then managed to smile instead and ask politely if he needed anything from them.  
"I just wanted to ask the date..." he said uncomfortably.  
A red haired witch next to his ex spoke up cheerfully. "It's the 15'Th. Full moon tomorrow night, you know." Then apologetically she said, "Whoops, I guess you wouldn't care about something like that. I was doing my essay on werewolves for Professor Jade..."  
"Thanks..." he waited...  
"Alicia," she filled him in quickly.  
"Thanks Alicia." He smiled warmly at her and returned to his table. In truth he had no interest in the girl, but she had seemed friendly enough, and she wasn't giggling and simpering, so she was okay for a girl.  
He couldn't help thinking that Remus would get along with her, she seemed nice and smart. Remus liked smart people. He had once even confessed that he thought Snape had a lot of good opinions, but that sentiment hadn't lasted for long. After Snape had started joining Lucius in tormenting him, he'd realised how awful the other boy was, and who his real friends were. Sirius had actually been grateful to Snape for being such a git. It had only brought him and Remus closer than before.  
Damn, why was he always thinking about Remus? Wasn't it enough to admit that he loved Remus as more than a friend? Wasn't it enough that he couldn't help but stare in fascination at the way Remus' soft lips moved so temptingly, the arch of his slender neck, the way his collarbone jutted so sharply from Remus' shoulder? It all made him think things he never should have thought about a freind, so wasn't that enough without pining after him every second they were apart?  
"What are you thinking?" asked a familiar voice.  
"Just... nothing important, Jamie."  
"You were thinking about him, weren't you?" James tried to keep the accusation out of his voice, but didn't entirely succeed.  
"I... yeah, I was. I don't know what you want me to say. I'll lie to you if you want, but I've never been much good at lying to you. I never meant to hurt you James, but I love him. It's not the same as what you and me have, but it doesn't mean it has to demean our friendship. Hate it if you want, but I don't think it would change what I feel. I think you're the best friend anyone could ask for, and I love you too, just not like I love him. You understand what I'm saying, right?  
"I think so, Sirius. I guess I don't mind you liking him, I mean it's a little weird, but I can deal with it. What I mind more is that you told him before you told me, and then you kept it a secret. What matters to me is that you two share something I can't. That bothers me the most. I don't mean to be bitter about it. And I'm not jealous exactly, just confused and a little angry. I just wanted the truth, without me having to dig it out of you. You don't have to hide things from me; haven't I always accepted you before?"  
"I know Jamie, but I was... I was afraid. I didn't know what you'd think, or how you'd react, and Remus and me weren't really sharing anything, because right after I told him, he decided to turn on me. He looked so betrayed when I told him. He said I could never just let things be, I had to take everything too far. I guess that after having one person reject me, I was afraid of it happening again. It's not that I don't trust you as a person James."  
"It's okay I guess, I was being selfish anyways. I'll try to be more open about you two. The things I do for friendship. I'm such a martyr." He threw his arms wide dramatically.  
"Shut up James, you freak." said Sirius with a laugh, punching his friend playfully on the arm. "You understand now though, why I want to fix things between us, if it's possible."  
"Yeah, I get it. I would help you if I could, Sirius."  
"Thanks, it's... it's really important to know that I'm not going to have to do this alone..."  
The two friends packed up their books and smiled easily, James' arm slung around Sirius shoulders just like nothing ever had or would ever come between them. They never noticed beady eyes watching them from behind a row of books. Peter had heard every word they'd said.

* * *

Remus had never found homework particularly hard, but tonight he'd struggled over writing each inch of parchment. He wasn't used to doing all the work on his own. Usually Sirius would be there to give him help when he got stuck and they could keep each other motivated enough to finish what they had to get done before dark fell. Tonight Remus had stayed up until ten to work on his History of Magic assignment, and the blasted essay on werewolves. He had seen the malicious look his teacher had given him when she'd handed it out. He hadn't thought Dumbledore had told the teachers. He felt betrayed. How could Dumbledore do that to him, when he'd said he only wanted to help? Their DADA teacher seemed to loath him even though she hadn't acted that way last year. He supposed it was just more proof that humans and werewolves would never coexist, no matter what Dumbledore claimed.  
He shook the parchment wearily, trying to will the ink to dry faster. He looked it over carefully for any mistakes, and irritably realized that he'd written part of the assignment from his own viewpoint. That wouldn't gain him any points. Tears of complete helpless frustration burned in his eyes. _'Why can't I just get this done? Why does this have to be so hard? Why is it his fault? Since when has everything become about him'_ His mind eagerly supplied an answer when nothing else was offered up. _'When you fell in love, you dirty, filthy, tainted werewolf. You had no right!'_  
_'Shut up!'_ he screamed in his mind. _'Why does it have to be so wrong? Why does everything have to be so wrong? Am I so wrong that he couldn't stand to look at me if he knew?'_  
_'YES! Remember what David did to you!'  
'Shut up! Never think about him. It's wrong. He hurt me. Never even think about him!'  
'You can't deny that you deserved it, werewolf scum.'_  
_'STOP!!! Please, just stop.'_ He clutched his head in his hands in terrified rage. He never wanted to think about him, never wanted to remember him, ever. Too much pain was contained in that one name. Never again. That was why he couldn't trust. That was why he was alone, and never wanted it any other way. Not even Sirius was worth that pain.


	3. To be invinsible

DARKNESS

* * *

2 days later

"Jamie! Oi! Over here, you stupid git! I've been looking for you since class got over. Have you seen Remus today?" yelled Sirius across the hall to his friend. People looked up, annoyed at having an exuberant teenager shout in their ear, and then kept going when they realized it was Sirius. They were used to his outbursts by now.

"No, Sirius, he disappeared last night, and I haven't seen him since. Maybe we should check in the hospital. We find him there sometimes, remember? "

Sirius' shoulders slumped dejectedly. "Yeah. Let's go see if he's there again."

Jamie trailed after him with a worried expression on his face. "Maybe we should ask Dumbledore why he leaves all the time. At least he can tell us that," suggested James hopefully.

Sirius just shook his head without turning around and continued to climb the stairs towards the hospital wing. "He worries me, Jamie. How am I supposed to protect him when I don't even know what I'm supposed to be fighting?"

James was silent. He didn't have an answer.

* * *

"I'm afraid I can't let you see him right now, boys." said Madame Poppy firmly.

Sirius' face fell horribly. "Why not? He _is_ okay, right? He's not hurt is he? I just want to make sure he's okay."

"I understand, Mister Black, but you can't see him right now. He'll be out of the infirmary later tonight, maybe tomorrow morning at the latest. Don't worry about him. He's fine."

"What's wrong with him? Why can't we see him?"

"No more questions boys, this isn't my decision. Your friend will be fine. You'll see him soon enough. Now go, before I have to give you detention."

When the two boys left, she went to the room in the back of the hospital wing and opened the curtains around the bed there. Smiling sympathetically she took a long look at the boy on the bed. Remus' tousled amber hair was spread across the hospital pillow, and the sunlight glinted of the metallic strands. She checked the bandage on his arm and felt pity for all of Remus' kind. It would not heal quickly, and werewolves were allergic to most wizarding healing potions, because they usually included Wolfsbane, which was deadly to all wolves. Luckily they healed fast, but it had to be done the Muggle way most of the time.

"I've never seen your transformations end this badly before, Remus Lupin. You have to be more careful, or you'll end up like countless werewolves before you. At least you have someone who cares about you. Perhaps that will be enough to save you. Or perhaps not." Gently she closed the white curtains and locked the door to the little room.

* * *

"Jamie, he's hurt, and we can't do anything about it. But we can't just let it go. I'm waiting up for him. I want to get an answer out of him the moment he comes back."

Nothing James could say would convince Sirius that this was by far the stupidest plan he'd come up with yet.

Fortunately Remus didn't come back at all that night. When James woke up, he found his friend sprawled across Remus' bed, with the curtains half closed, and his hair hopelessly tangled, arms wrapped around one of Remus' pillows.

* * *

Remus didn't come back that morning either. He crawled into the last class of the day, Potions, late, and he looked so haggard and weary that Professor Sempra didn't even comment on the note she was handed. Remus ensconced himself as far as possible from Peter, James and Sirius, at the very back of the classroom. When the bell rang, he slunk out of sight so fast that not even Sirius could find him.

The next time Sirius cornered him was in their dorms that night. He crept up behind Remus, watching the other boy's back tense up in greeting with regret, and said softly, "Where were you last night, and the night before?"

"What business of yours is it, Black?"

"Don't give me that shit, Remus. I just want to know why you were gone. I waited all last night for you to come back, but you never did."

"Then I guess you should count yourself lucky. Leave me alone, I've got homework to do."

"Remus…"

"_Go away_, Black."

"Fine," Sirius turned away, feeling deeply wounded, but helpless to lash out. He couldn't hurt Remus back, he just couldn't do it. He met James' eyes, picked up his schoolwork and left.

James pulled out a desk chair and sat next to Remus, who was hunched over his parchment, face blank. It made James ache to see the complete emptiness there. For a moment he thought he understood how hurt Sirius must be, to have to see that all the time, when all he did was love. He didn't really understand it though, because he couldn't conceive of loving Remus. The boy was an outcast, a weakling, and he was not the sort of person James would usually consider worth the extra glance. Remus was cold to the point of being rude, and he never laughed freely. In fact, James only made the miniscule effort he did towards liking Remus because Sirius seemed so fond of him. "Look, I know you don't love him back, but do you have to hurt him so much? He'd die for you, and you just keep shoving him away. He just wants a bit of acknowledgment for loving you. That's all he needs. Just think about it. You're driving him insane. I've never seen him this fucked up over someone else before. For whatever reason, you affect him, and if you hurt him any more, I'll kick your arse from here to Surrey and back. You understand?"

"It'd be nothing more than I deserve." whispered Remus. James pretended like he hadn't heard as he walked out after Sirius.

_It's nothing more than I deserve…_Remus repeated forlornly to himself.

* * *

Peter had never really been included in anything that his friends did, so to him it seemed natural that they should keep secrets from him. But this was one secret too many, too heavy. Sometimes he just wished them all dead. Because then he would be able to stop feeling so insufficient; so small. He was useless now, to them, even though they pretended to care about him, pretended to include him. How could he not feel ostracized when even his best friends thought he was too stupid to help them? Didn't they know that the person everyone thought was stupid, was slow, made the best spy? It was true. Peter Pettigrew could listen unnoticed to almost anyone's conversation, simply because they didn't believe he was smart enough to try such a thing. Of all the Marauders, Peter was really the most observant. He could sneak nearly anywhere unseen. That much at least he had in common with Remus. If his friends had bothered to ask him, he would have told them a great deal more about Remus J. Lupin than they had thus far realized was being hidden, like where he snuck off to every full moon, and how to get past the Whomping Willow's flailing branches. He also knew what Remus looked like when he came back each month, because even the nurse underestimated him. She probably hadn't realized he had a perfect view of the little back room from where he was standing when she'd gone to get him some medicine for his cold. He'd taken only a quick look, but he'd seen enough to know that the wounds were deep and Remus was pale and so drained it seemed certain that he'd sleep for a month. Of course the only way he'd tell anyone any of this information was if they asked, and since no one seemed inclined to do so, he'd continue to keep to himself, and horde knowledge for his own use.

* * *

_I don't understand, why don't you like me_

_Why don't you like me, am I so different from you?_

_Now does it scare you that I'm able to discern?_

_What to love and what to burn_

_I'll add your fuel to the fire now_

_Stand back, brother take your hand back_

_Leave it and I might crack_

_More than a smile or two you see_

_Don't judge what you don't understand_

_You can't deny what has been given to me_

Remus had had enough of these pointless confrontations with Sirius. They were beginning to wear thin his resolve, and he couldn't handle any more of that. He had decided to stay out of their way for a while, to see if they'd forget about him, or if they were more stubborn than he'd thought. Sirius could be extremely stubborn at times. He was afraid that if Sirius didn't leave him alone soon he'd do something drastic that he'd regret later. Pulling absently on a lock of hair, Remus padded through the deserted night-time hallways of Hogwarts. He was no stranger to darkness, and the deep echoing silence suited him just fine.

He was trying to find a safe place to spend the night. He would have gone to Dumbledore, but he didn't want to cause any more trouble. Dumbledore was already bending a dozen school rules to even have him here, not to mention violating his promise to keep the school absolutely safe. Remus wondered what would happen if he were to disappoint the headmaster after all. He'd put so many hopes into bringing Remus here, what would he do if he found out that werewolves really were just filthy animals with no souls? It was what Remus already knew, but hadn't had the heart to show the kindly old man. Plus, he'd really wanted this, really truly wanted to come to Hogwarts and learn wizarding with all the normal children. He wanted to believe he was normal, even if that was selfish and stupid.

He'd rather lie to himself than face what lurked in the back of his mind, prowling in restless circles. And maybe denying that he was different was only proving his father right, but he'd really believed it for a while. He'd really thought that he had friends who cared enough to except him for who he was, no matter what. He'd begun to think that people different than his parents existed, people different than _him. He_ was the reason everything had fallen apart. And nothing anyone said would ever change what had happened.

Looking up, he realized he'd wandered right back to Gryffindor tower. '_What the hell. Why not? If he bothers me anymore I can do something else stupid. Maybe it will actually convince them to sod off this time.'_

Later, when he was sitting in his own bed he tried to remember what it felt like to be a human, without this tainted blood running through his veins, without the guilt and the constant wary silence. He really didn't remember anything. All the memories that filled his head now were unpleasant and awful. He'd come back to school this year thoroughly disillusioned. He wasn't going to trust again. Ever. Nothing was worth that pain. Nothing at all. __

And now Sirius was making him question everything all over again, and it just hurt too damn much.

He'd was back in his canopy bed, exhausted from the moon two nights ago, and his confrontation with Sirius when he'd finally come back to get some studying done. James scared him, because every time Remus looked up, he'd catch the other boy staring at him coldly, weighing him, judging him, and he wondered each time with increasing nervousness how much James knew.

He needed release. He needed a way to get away from all this shit and hate and fear. He wanted to stop seeing the taunting faces of his father, his sister, David, all leering at him and hating him. It hurt. God, every time he thought about them it hurt so bad. And now he was trapped, perpetuating the cycle he'd begun so long ago to try and hold on to the sanity. When he cut himself, he felt free. All the emotions just disappeared and left him empty and numb. But numb was far better than feeling everything else. Grimacing, Remus gripped the knife that usually stayed hidden underneath his mattress and tried not to think about all of that as he slashed down on his wrist, lightly at first, but gaining confidence. If he thought too much, he might end up hurting himself for real. He had to be careful when he did this, because pain hardly meant the same thing to him as it did to everyone else.

Pain was a seductive, constant presence in the back of Remus' mind. The wolf needed the pain, required it from him in increasingly alarming amounts. Lately it had escalated to a point when he had to cover his arms at all times, just to keep someone from seeing the bloody marks all over his body. It annoyed him, to have the scratchy wool irritating his self-inflicted penance. It was nearing summer, and the heat was beginning to drive him insane. But especially lately, he couldn't do anything to stop it. The wolf demanded it, and Remus was helpless against those demands.__

Clenching his hand in a fist he turned his arm until the light blue vein was exposed. Countless old scars still lingered there, as well as several more recent injuries. Every full moon, the remainder of those self inflicted wounds were treated after his transformation. Though they looked positively harmless next to the jagged, raw wounds the wolf inflicted, so Madame Pomfrey had never asked any questions.

The last transformation had been nearly unbearable, and Remus was used to bearing quite a lot. His bones still ached from their painful transformation, and he had yet another set of scars to match his older ones. He was still wearing a bandage on his left shoulder from where the wolf had lodged a large chunk of splintered wood into his shoulder when he'd rammed against the door.

Remus put his hand up to the wounded spot and pressed sharply, moaning in half pain/half pleasure. He hated this, but it was so amazing to _see_ the pain, and feel it course through his mind in quick red flashes. No one else knew pain like this. It was so extreme, and sharply defined that it almost transcended the boundaries between agony and ecstasy, and he was helpless to stop the wolf from getting what it wanted. Hell, the wolf had demanded his soul, and he'd answered its call. If he hadn't, then Romulus would still be alive. If he hadn't been tainted all along by the spirit of the wolf, things would have been different, but he hadn't been strong enough to resist the temptation; the evil. He had never been strong, and his weakness had cost his brother his life.

After that night, it had been clear that he had been cursed all along. His parents had been quick to claim that he was no son of theirs. Losing his twin had been painful in far too many ways, and losing his parents as well just made it even more obvious that he was alone, with a monster inside his mind, making him do strange and violent things. He'd been reviled by everyone, and perhaps if he hadn't needed someone so badly, he wouldn't have become such good friends with David. Maybe nothing would have turned out like it had if he had just resisted, for a bit longer, the call of the night.

* * *

__

_There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away.  
Mildewed and smouldering, strangled by our coveting  
I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing  
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication._

_Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any  
Sense of compassion  
Between supposed lovers/brothers_

"Damnit! Jamie, you have to help me! You have to help me get through to him! I can't take this anymore. I'm going to march right up to him and demand an answer."

"No, you aren't. Sirius, if you care about him, and I know you do, you won't do anything rash. You have to try and be patient. Just because you know he has a secret now, doesn't mean that he didn't have one all along. Don't jump to conclusions, and don't risk another confrontation with him. He won't let you get close to him that way. You scare him when you do that. Not to mention how angry he gets."

"_He_ scares _me_, James." said Sirius in a subdued voice. "I don't want to be afraid of him, but I can't help it."

"Yeah. I know, his eyes go so… blank… and it's terrifying if he looks at you like that, with no emotions anywhere. You can barely believe he's human."

"But he _is_, Jamie. He's more human than evidently he thinks. I can tell, he just wants someone to get through all those barriers, but I've tried, and I don't know how. He's so sure he can push me away, that sometimes, I actually believe it too. If he doesn't crack sometime soon, I think I might go insane. It's hard to believe in him, when he's making me doubt myself in the process."

"Sirius, have you bothered to ask yourself what is going to happen when he "cracks" as you put it? Aren't you a little afraid to find out? You should be, I think."

"I know, but the truth is, I'm not. I love him too much. I want to know what makes him go so crazy, and I want to be there to help him. As to whether or not I _should _be afraid of that, I guess we'll have to see, right?" Sirius picked up his bag and started to move out of the library.

James followed, murmuring under his breath, "I hope everything turns out like you want it too, but I'm more afraid that I'll have to put _you _back together as well. We can't all come out of this the same, no matter how fiercely we believe in storybook endings."


	4. Bound and Restricted

DARKNESS

* * *

Peter had always suspected that Remus was stronger than he appeared, but hiding in the shadows, he'd witnessed something that frightened him almost as much as it fascinated. He had been slinking past the Slytherin dungeon entrance, when he'd heard shouting and laughing. It sounded like Lucius and his sycophants had someone new to play with. Curious, Peter had snuck inside, following the noise. He'd come all the way to the empty Potions classroom where he could clearly see Remus on his knees in front of Lucius, Sirius' personal nemesis. A smile curled his lips, because for once, it wasn't him getting beat up. Snape seemed to be less than amused though. He was grimacing helplessly, wincing with each blow Lucius rained on the unresisting form of Remus. Peter could barely believe it when Remus looked up, an eerie smile on his face. He looked straight through Lucius, right at Snape, who appeared even more pale than usual.

"I'm sorry." Whispered the black haired boy, but he didn't move to stop the next punch. It landed solidly on Remus' temple, and Peter was amazed that he looked as though he'd barely noticed it. He just kept staring at Snape, until the other boy backed warily into a desk, nearly toppling over backwards.

"Fuck you Severus, I'll beat the friendship right out of you both! Don't be such a fool! You never belonged consorting with Gryffindor freaks, and now he has to pay. You'll pay too, you slut. No one goes behind my back."

Peter listened to every word. He was confused, but slowly putting together what had happened. He'd seen Snape and Remus working together more than once to finish an extra-credit project for Potions. Lucius must have found out about the late night meetings. Apparently he hadn't been too pleased. Usually the Slytherins only went after Remus because it was guaranteed to piss off Sirius, who Lucius loathed above all Gryffindors.

"Don't even think about talking to him again, _Severus_, or I might kill him for you instead."

"Lucius… please…"

"Shut up, you stupid whore! You should have thought about the consequences before you got so attached."

"Lucius…" Severus didn't even try to stand up for himself, just accepted it. "He, we… we didn't do anything. It was homework. I swear it Lucius. I'd never betray you! I… I love you."

That seemed to diffuse Lucius enough to turn away from Remus, if only for a moment. That was all it took. With an inhuman snarl, Remus leapt on Lucius, slamming his head against the ground viciously. Peter noticed for the first time the group that had been lurking in the back of the classroom, giving Lucius his space. Their shadowy figures came into the sparse torchlight, trying to hold Remus down, or at least restrain him until they could assess the damage he'd done to Lucius. Remus wasn't about to give in this time. He held nothing back, snarling and baring his teeth savagely, lashing out with a desperation that surprised the slower, more massive Slytherins. Remus slipped out from between two vaguely Rosier and Crabbe shaped shadows and shot out of the door, bruises already blossoming across his face. Peter watched Remus pelting up the stairs leading to the Gryffindor tower and decided that it was time for him to disappear as well. He had a lot to think about. First and foremost being: WHAT THE BLOODY HELL!? How could one undernourished bookworm take on that many of Lucius' sycophants and get out alive? And why hadn't he done it sooner?

Peter decided then that the look on Remus face had been the singular most terrifying thing he had ever seen. There had been so much anger, and pain; overwhelming soul-deep _pain_. So much it almost hurt to see it.

* * *

__

"My god, Remus! Come here! What happened to you?" Sirius gasped, his face twisting up in immediate rageful protectiveness.

"Save your pity, Black. I'm going to bed."

"Oh no you're not! You're going to the hospital wing right now. Don't even try to argue with me."

"Leave me alone. I can't go to the hospital wing. You're an idiot Black. I'm not explaining this to any teacher! My track record isn't exactly clean, you know," he bit out accusingly. Sirius flinched. That was mostly his fault; Sirius had gotten them into trouble on numerous occasions.

"If it's not gone by tomorrow morning, I'll just stay in bed. No big deal. Leave me alone."

"And how is _that_ supposed to magically heal itself by morning?"

"Oh, that would be the real secret, Black. _Goodnight_." He smiled without any humour and turned to go, just barely catching a glimpse of Peter staring at him intensely. Unnerved, he continued on his way upstairs.

"What was that about?" asked James, coming up behind his friend.

"He… god Jamie, he looks horrible. If he really can make all that go away by tomorrow, I'll be extremely impressed. There's one thing for sure, no one heals that fast, and I really want to know who did that to him, because I really _really_ want to kill someone right now, and whoever did that would be a good place to start, I think."

"Calm down Sirius. I didn't get to see what he looks like, I just came in, but I'm sure he can take care of it if he says so. Trust him a little, why don't you?"

"Speaking of you just coming in, where were you all day? Seems to me like I saw you heading off with a certain red-haired girl. Not to name any names, cough _Lily_. Huh?" He prodded his best friend, laughing when he saw him turn beet red. He had effectively changed the subject.

"Sirius…" he groaned. "Could you have said that any louder, you prat?"

"Of course!" He obligingly stood on a table and shouted to the entire common room, "Oi! Everyone! James was out snogging Lily Evans all day!" There was scattered applause, but generally everyone ignored Sirius' outbursts. They were used to them by now.

"Git." said James hopelessly. "I hate you."

"Oh, come on now Jamie. That sounded mighty half-hearted. I think maybe you just wanted everyone to know that you've got a girlfriend. Oh yeah, and good for you mate, you've been drooling over her all year, I was wondering how long it'd take."

"You are an unbelievable prat, Sirius Black, and I loath you."

"Sure, sure," Sirius said, unconcernedly waving his hand in the air. "Though if you want my opinion; you're the idiot. She's been staring at you all year too, and part of last, for that matter."

"It sounds like you've got an awful interest in my girlfriend…" said James, laughing finally, slightly embarrassed, but at least Sirius had made up for it with that last statement.

"Oho! So you two _are _going out! I knew it."

"Yeah, we've been together for… five hours, twenty-seven minutes." said James proudly, looking at his watch.

"Don't you think that's a little sad, James?"

"What, she's a dream, and I'm really happy with her. And by the way, we weren't actually snogging all day, we talked for a while too. Unlike you, I have more than a one track mind."

"Sticks and stones, Jamie." said Sirius, feeling better than he had all week. He was truly happy for James. It wasn't often two people were so obviously meant for each other. Unlike two other people he knew. Sighing he decided to not bother Remus any more about his injuries. It wasn't like he could do anything, and it certainly wasn't like Remus would let him.

"Come on James, we should go to bed, and I'm really tired."

"Then go to bed. You don't need me to hold your hand, do you?" Sirius gave James a pleading look. "Alright, I know you don't want to face him. I guess I'll tag along and try to be damage control for whatever you might say, you bloody idiot."

Sirius looked so pathetically relieved that he felt unjustifiably cruel for calling him names. "Just let me get my stuff." He said in a gentler voice.

* * *

_Tell me exactly what am I supposed to do_

_Now that I have allowed you to beat me_

_I kind of like the misery you put me through_

_Do you think that we could play another game?_

_Maybe I could win this time_

__

Severus Snape had never much liked being controlled, but Lucius had never given him a chance to have second thoughts. Before now.

Was everything he'd done for the other boy out of fear? Why was it that love made him so weak to do anything for himself? Because it was either love or fear that drove him to these lengths. He'd always tried to believe that it was love, but seeing Lucius beating Remus up just for being a decent person, made him doubt everything he'd thought he was sure of. Snape clutched his arm protectively. It felt like it was broken, but he daren't go to Madame Pomfrey.

Lucius had twisted that arm up behind him and slammed him against the wall. He hadn't been able to see through the pain, but Lucius hadn't stopped there. He realized with a jolt that he was sore in other places too. In fact, it felt like Lucius had finished his business even though Severus had passed out halfway. He felt sick. His stomach hurt, and he vaguely remembered Lucius kicking him there. He rolled over and saw that he was completely naked, and lying in a heap on the floor of an empty classroom. Severus was intensely glad that he'd woken up before anyone had come in. Trying not to wince he gathered up his nearly shredded clothing, courtesy of Lucius, and hoped to hell that everyone was asleep by now. Pulling on his robe he stuffed everything else in one of the garbage cans the house elves cleaned every night. None of it was worth saving, and he could hardly bear to look at it anyways.

Cradling his arm the whole way, but refusing to look at it, even when he was in proper light, he made his way back to the Slytherin common room. Each step sent a slice of white hot pain through his abdomen. When he stumbled into the tapestry that hid the door, he almost didn't realize it, the pain was so intense. Numbly he spoke the password, and holding his head high, just in case anyone saw him, he crossed the common room. Luckily it was empty of the usual late night studiers. He paled when he saw the stairs leading downward to the boys' dormitory. With each step shooting agony through his veins, he doubted his ability to make it that far. In order to get all the way to the fifth landing, he was forced to grip the railing for his life, clinging to the stone when he could. Everything felt like it was on fire.

The door to the fifth landing was locked as usual, and password guarded. Slytherins valued privacy above all else. They were suspicious of even their own ranks. Severus didn't blame them for it. Most Slytherins were decent, but there was a group of them that existed to feed off of other people's suffering. They were conniving, cruel and deliberate. Much like Lucius.

Speaking the password firmly, he entered the dark, narrow passage lined with dormitory doors. The seventh room on the left was Severus'. He shared it with Rosier, Zabini, and one of Lucius' many cousins; Dirk Malfoy. Strangely enough, the only one he really got along with was Lucius' quiet, studious relative. He was nice enough, and he never seemed to question what Severus said. He was also better at Astronomy and Divination than Severus would ever be. He had heard Dumbledore call Dirk a Seer before. He believed it. Dirk frequently had nightmares and dreams that came true. And he was always accidentally reading people's fortunes in their tea leaves and coffee dregs. He was more of a dreamer than Severus was used to getting along with, but he was okay for a Slytherin. Lucius considered him a disgrace to the Malfoy name, which earned him extra points in Severus' view. He was also the only other person besides Remus who had never asked Severus why he didn't leave Lucius. They both knew. Sometimes it was better sticking with the pain that was familiar than the pain that was anticipated. That way he could still keep his fantasies.

Finally he made it to his room, and once he had unlocked the door and whispered the password, he sunk gratefully into his green canopied bed and tried not to wince when even the way the fabric pulled at his arm hurt. He wished for even one good healing spell. Then maybe he wouldn't have to go crawling to Lucius tomorrow, begging for forgiveness and the bestowal of a Healing Charm. He hated that part, but he always did it. He could never just walk away; he couldn't even fight back. He took whatever Lucius gave him, and never asked questions. He had always blindly assumed that he deserved his punishment, but now he wasn't so sure. Had he really deserved this? Did anyone really deserve this kind of treatment? Hadn't he been everything Lucius wanted in a loyal, subservient whore? Was it really too much to ask to be forgiven one moment of human weakness? In any case, they couldn't all be perfect like Lucius. He was a god among mere mortals, and no one knew it better than Severus. He settled himself for yet another long, sleepless night alone with his memories.


	5. Mistress of Burden

__

_Another dream that will never come true  
__Just to compliment your sorrow  
__A gift to add on to your pain and suffering  
__Another truth you can never believe  
__Has crippled you completely  
__All the cries you're beginning to hear  
__Trapped in your mind, and the sound is deafening_

Remus awoke with a jerk, to realize that he'd fallen asleep with the knife held loosely in his hand, wrist exposed. Snatching his limb back under the covers, he wondered frantically if anyone could have seen. '_Re, you are a bloody idiot. No one could sneak near enough to even open the curtains without you knowing.'_ Of course not. It was irrational and stupid of him to start jumping at his own shadow. No one was watching him, no one was out to get him, and it would stay that way so long as he could keep his secret. Pulling the comforters off of him, he ignored the sudden vulnerable feeling and poked his head over the side of the bed to get the strips of cloth he wrapped around his wrist.

They weren't there. '_Oh fuck!' _his mind screamed. This was not good. He looked up suddenly, feeling eyes on him. '_Fuck, fuck fuck FUCK!!!' _Sirius Black was standing six feet away from his bed, holding the cloth he used to cover up the scars and the blood and the cuts. He _needed_ those, needed that protection, and Sirius Black was taking it away, _again_. He let out a low snarl, baring his teeth unconsciously.

"Oh, did you want these? I can't see why you wear them. Why do you hide everything? Why bother? It just makes you more of a challenge. More attractive after all. So, you want them back I suppose…" Sirius drawled carelessly, but something burned behind the façade.

"Fuck you, Sirius Black!" Remus suddenly shouted. "Fuck you and your pathetic love! Is that what I am to you? A _challenge_!? What do you want from me? A confession!? _Fine_, how's this?" he thrust his uncovered arm up from where he'd been hiding it. Red, open slashes covered his wrist all the way up to where his sleeve fell over the cuts. Old scars were layered underneath fresh ones and shiny marks from where the silver handcuffs had branded him seemed glaringly obvious. Sirius looked up at him, his expression so broken that for a second Remus regretted what he'd done.

"Why?" he asked in a small voice.

"Because I don't have a choice, Black. Give me those." His voice was rougher than he had wanted it to be, and Sirius' eyes snapped onto him, haunted and empty.

"Yeah. I-- I'm going now. I'm going to… I have to go." He finished lamely, dropping the cloth and spinning around wildly towards the door, half running from Remus, who sat on the canopy bed, lost and finally alone.

"I'm so sorry Sirius. I do love you. You'd understand if you knew. You'd thank me. You'd want it this way. You _can't_ understand." He whispered, every bit as broken as Sirius was. _Damn_, but they were killing each other with these games.

* * *

__

_Your mind won't let you say that you want me  
__Your mind won't ever, never let you say what you want  
__You howl and wail like a banshee  
__Still your mind won't ever let you say  
__Your mind won't let you say that you want me  
__Your mind won't ever, never let you say what you want  
__Your mind won't even let you feel  
__  
Quivering now, shivering now, withering  
__Your mind won't let you say that you're  
__Wondering now, pondering now, hungering  
__Won't let you say that you're  
__Questioning, wavering, weakening  
__Your mind won't let you say that you're  
__Hearkening, listening, heeding me now  
__Won't let you say that you want_

Sirius didn't know what he wanted anymore. How was it that one person could ruin everything with a couple of words? It wasn't fair. How could Remus presume to know what was best for the both of them, without even letting him know _why_? He had just wanted the truth, and he had gotten far more than he had bargained for.

_ Those cuts…_

He shuddered, trying to dislodge the ache in his heart. What would make Remus do something like that? Why? It had seemed like such a harmless thing to do; picking up those blasted strips of cloth Remus always wore on his wrists, but like usual where Remus was concerned, it had had deadly repercussions. He had only meant to irritate Remus into speaking with him, but he'd ended up opening a Pandora's Box of emotions and pain. He couldn't go to Jamie this time. This time he had no choice; Dumbledore was the only way.

* * *

Peter had been watching the whole drama of the past month unfold with a fascination and delight that would have been better suited to unwrapping a present. He knew that Sirius was in love with Remus, and that Remus was in love with Sirius too, though in a different way. He knew that Sirius and James had been planning ways to figure out Remus' secret. He knew about James' and Lily's growing relationship, and he knew about Severus and Lucius' twisted one. He felt he was close to being able to put the pieces together, but there was still something missing; one part of the puzzle he had yet to realize even existed. He had seen the cuts on Remus' arm, and the bruises on Severus' face. Both brands of ownership somehow. He had been shocked to find out that Remus had at one point considered Snape his friend, until the accident he had witnessed several months ago. He knew too that Remus was driving his friends away, locking himself deeper and deeper. He had seen the way Remus forced emotions away, ignoring his own feelings. What he didn't know was _why_. Why hide from everyone? Why the secrecy, the lies, the angry confrontations all the time? What was really going on beneath this volcano of twisted emotions and fears? Because while Peter was perfectly melded for watching, and observing, he had very little experience in matters of the heart. He didn't understand the reasoning behind the events he witnessed, because he lacked the emotions to realize other people's feelings. In this particular case, it was driving him insane. He felt like everyone could see an aspect of the game that was hidden to him, and he was determined to figure out the missing piece before anyone else could.

* * *

Dumbledore sat at his large oaken desk, fingers steepled in thought. Sirius was fidgeting in a chair in front of the desk, hands twisting helplessly around each other, tangling in his hair occasionally. He felt like he was finally getting somewhere, but the very thought was making him increasingly nervous. Given what he'd already unveiled, he wasn't sure if it would be sane to suggest they uncover the rest. But he wasn't about to give up either. "Headmaster?" he asked hopefully.

"Sirius, this matter is beyond your understanding. Remus is right to keep it to himself. Perhaps you would do him a favour by just leaving him be like he asks."

"No! I can't! I won't! He needs me." Sirius looked down briefly, then looked back up, straight into Dumbledore's eyes. "_I_ need him."

Dumbledore sighed. "Sirius, there is nothing I can do about it. It is not my secret to give away. If Remus doesn't trust you, then it is not my place to go revealing his secrets to you either." The Headmaster said it kindly, but Sirius jumped up, outraged.

"I love him! I love him more than life itself. Nothing could make me change that. I'll never go back on that! If he doesn't trust me, it's because he's a bloody idiot! I want to help him! I want him to be able to love me back, and I want to know what's keeping him from it!"

"He may _never_ be able to love you back, Sirius. Would you understand, if that was the case? Would you be forgiving enough to trust him when he says "no"? Could you do that? You can't do it _now_. I'm sorry Sirius, but I can't."

"I won't let him suffer on his own any more! Have you seen the cuts? Have you!? I don't want him to have to do that anymore! I love him! I want him to know it, and not have to be afraid of it. It's not fair that he is in so much pain, that he feels like he has to push me away to stay safe. He shouldn't have to go through whatever it is he's going through on his own, and I want to be there for him. It's not _fair_."

"Life seldom is, Mr. Black. I suggest you get back to your homework."

Sirius let out a choked sound, somewhere between a sob and a protest, but turned to leave, his head bowed in defeat. Dumbledore couldn't help but notice that the emotion didn't suit Sirius' nature at all. "Don't do anything rash, Sirius." were Dumbledore's parting words before the door closed behind the boy. The Headmaster couldn't be sure if Sirius had even heard them.

Sirius ran all the way to the Slytherin dungeons. He was a little shocked when he looked up and saw the tapestry that covered the entrance to Slytherin common rooms.

For once he wanted nothing more than to turn around and be a coward, but seeing this place was just one more reminder that he wasn't where he was supposed to be; with Remus, and he couldn't help the person he loved. He was still angry over the bruises that had been all over Remus body when he'd come back from a late night trip to the library a couple months ago. Somebody still had to pay for hurting Remus. And he knew without a doubt that he'd find that somebody in Slytherin. He wished he had James' invisibility cloak. Then he wouldn't have had a problem sneaking into Slytherin, finding Lucius or Snape, and beating the crap out of them. But since he didn't have it, he'd just wait here until a convenient outlet for his anger came along. Like… Lucius… and Zabini… and Rosier… Knott… Snape… Well, well, well. Wasn't this just his lucky day?

Snape spotted him first, and he tugged at Lucius sleeve, recoiling automatically from Lucius when the older boy turned to him.

"Hey, Lucius, I think you owe me a little bit of your blood." Sirius smirked. It was a look that frequently drove Lucius to distraction.

"Oh, look, it's Black. Rosier, Zabini, sic him." Lucius waved his hand unconcernedly in Sirius' direction and started to turn towards the door.

"I don't think so, Lucius. This is between you and me. Don't even think about sending your little sycophants after me. I want to fight _you_, Lucius."

"And why would I do that?"

"Because I fucking said so." Sirius snarled.

"Yes…" Lucius said, as though that explained nothing.

Exasperated, Sirius threw his hands in the air and yelled, "Because you fucking hurt Remus, and no one gets away with that!"

"I should have known you'd leap at the chance to defend your precious little faggot boyfriend. The little Mudblood was in my territory. I had every right to beat him up. And then the nerve of the little whore…" Lucius chuckled nastily. "He wanted me to let him go. Kept screaming at me to get my hands off him. Like he had a right to refuse me or something." He looked Sirius straight in the face, smiling nastily.

"I'll fucking kill you!" screamed Sirius, leaping on Lucius. No one touched _his_ Remus. _No one_. Especially not some Slytherin prince who acted like he owned the school, and called everyone who couldn't trace their lineage back seven generations a Mudblood.

Lucius laughed, shaking off the first wild punch as though it had never occurred to him to worry about it finding it's mark on his face. When his lackeys moved in to help him, he smiled, self-satisfied enough to irritate Sirius beyond belief, and told them to go wait for him in the common room. Sirius barely had time to notice that Snape hadn't moved from his post, when Lucius' fist slammed into his face, and he had no more time to think.

"What's the matter Black, are you sad that your little lover will sleep with everyone in the castle but you?"

"Don't you dare say that about Remus!"

"Hit a nerve, did I?"

"Die!" Sirius flung himself furiously at Lucius, landing two good punches before he found himself being backed against a wall by Lucius, who amazingly could fight better than he had counted on, even though the older boy made it a point to never do the fighting himself.

"Maybe some other day, Black" drawled Lucius, his smug voice more than guaranteed to set Sirius off anew.

"Why can't you just leave him alone?!" screamed Sirius, who'd had more than he could take. He was so frustrated and every word that came out of Lucius' mouth was making it worse. "How can any of you judge us, when you're the ones who should be judged? Remus doesn't have anything to do with you and me, so why involve him?"

"How… _noble _of you to think that, Black. Spoken like a true Gryffindor. But I disagree. He has everything to do with you and me. He's the easiest, most painful way to get at you. If I hurt him, _you_ suffer, which is what matters to _me_. It's almost sweet, isn't it? I could care less about your whore; he's never done anything to piss me off. But you… you've angered me on countless occasions. If it weren't for you, he'd never get hurt. Think about it, Black. Come on Severus, I have a date with Narcissa." He smiled one last self satisfied smile at Sirius and strode through the open common room door with Snape in tow.

"No." Sirius whispered. This wasn't fair. It wasn't. Why did this keep happening to him? Why was he always causing the people he loved pain? It was his fault that Remus kept getting hurt, and it was his fault that he'd never noticed. He should have known better than to think like a Gryffindor when he tried to fight Lucius. For the first time Sirius began to comprehend the way Lucius' mind worked, and it was not an amusing image.

* * *

"Are you okay? You look like you got into a fight…" James asked uncertainly. His uncertainty was entirely due to the fact that Sirius' eyes were dull and he looked unusually lost. James wondered if he had a concussion or if he was just in shock. "Look at me Sirius."

Slowly Sirius' eyes focused on James, before flickering slightly to the side, unable to hold his best friend's gaze.

"Who did you get into a fight with? Was it Lucius?" When no answers were forthcoming, James sighed and asked wearily, "It was about him, right? Remus?"

"Jamie…"

"Look, I told you, you don't have to hide things from me. I can take it. Or do you just not trust me? I've been your best friend since we were four."

"I just get so mad when anyone touches him, insanely jealous, and far too protective. It isn't healthy. And then there's this whole secret thing, and that just hurts, and he needs me. I don't begrudge you Lily, do I?"

"Is that what you think, Sirius? Merlin, you think I begrudge you Remus?! I'm glad you found someone, I'm just a little pissed that he was your friend, my friend, this whole time, and now he's hurting you, and he's doing it on purpose, and I don't think he's the right thing for you. But how do I have any say? I'm not you, and I'm sure as hell not Remus."

"Jamie…"

"I'm just having a hard time watching all this. It doesn't feel right."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't be involving you, it's just making you feel useless. But imagine how I must feel. I'm this close to doing something we'll all regret. Like killing Lucius, or following Remus when he leaves next month. I'm starting to get an idea of what's going on, and I don't like it at all. And then Lucius has to rile things up even further. He said he, god, he's one twisted bastard. And he's the only one who would get away with anything like that right under Dumbledore's nose. He's also, of course, the only student who Dumbledore can't really stop. He said that Remus screamed for him to stop, and he didn't. He said that Remus begged him to stop touching him, to get his hands off, and he didn't. I'm really scared, and angry, and most of all, I hurt for Remus. I can't believe Lucius… I just don't believe that something like that could happen to my Remus…"

"But he's not." Jamie interrupted him coolly.

"Not what?" Sirius looked up at his friend with confusion in his eyes.

"_Yours_. He's not yours. He won't be either, if you don't learn to stop assuming. You don't know for sure that anything happened. Lucius is a huge bastard, but even for him, that is a little far. It's hard to believe that he would think he could get away with anything like that. This is Hogwarts after all."

"I know, but he said… he said he'd do anything to get to me, anything at all, no matter what the cost."

"Well then, I guess you should be flattered, Sirius. You've made Lucius Malfoy's 'most wanted' list. I wish to hell you'd stop making such powerful enemies. His family-"

"I know all about his family, and everything I've heard makes me believe he'd do something like that to get at me, whatever the cost."

"Don't assume until you know. That's dangerous when it comes to Remus. And it's even worse when you confront him about this kind of stuff. Just wait a little. Be patient for once in your life. Don't blow it… again. You're most likely worried over something that Lucius made up to piss you off and further distance you and Remus. Don't think everyone hasn't noticed the fact that you two are hardly speaking. For a group as notorious as ours, we've certainly lost enough members. Speaking of which, have you seen Peter lately? He hasn't been around in a while. I wanted to talk to him about Remus yesterday, and he wasn't here."

"I haven't seen him in a while either. I was starting to get kind of worried. Peter seems to be drifting too. What's happening to us, Jamie? I feel so alone, so young, and still too old to go back and start over. It hurts, all the time. Having to deal with this is just making the isolation that much harder to take. I never realized it, but I'm completely dependant on you. And Remus, and Peter. I miss just being together and having fun."

James smiled. It was unusual and sort of disturbing to see Sirius so subdued all the time. Lately the more sombre version of Sirius had been making too many appearances for his comfort. He liked his carefree friend from before Remus' betrayal much more. He suddenly felt the need to talk to Lily. She soothed him beyond words, and she was practical, with a gentle side that tempered her painful honesty. Her compassion was always reassuring and genuine, and lately he had needed an awful lot of reassurances.

"Sirius, I'm really not sure what all this is about, and I know how you feel about Remus, because I love Lily, and I know I'd go through hell if she was doing this to me. I just hope it all works out soon. I have a date tonight that I have to go to soon, but I'll be back before midnight. We can talk then if you still need to."

"Course, Jamie. No problem. See you later then." Sirius winked at him half-heartedly, handing James his invisibility cloak from beneath the bed without needing to be asked.

"Don't corner Remus, please. I'd like to come back to something more than strewn body parts tonight. Have a nice dinner, and if you skip it again, I swear to god that I'll force food down your throat till you gag. So there."

"Yeah yeah… have fun."

"I plan to." James' wink was much more genuine, and Sirius couldn't help but smile back.

It was nice to know that no matter what, he could still count on James.


	6. Trapped in my Mind

"Hey, haven't seen you for a while, Remus." said Sirius, keeping his voice as neutral as possible.

"That's because I've been avoiding you." Remus replied steadily, before turning back to his homework.

"I know, but I thought… never mind… it's not important anyways. What assignment are you working on?"

"My Potions homework. And I have loads more to get done, so I suggest you stop bothering me, before I have to go back to the library where it's at least quiet and I can get something done without you nosing in every time I want to take a piss."

"Okay. I guess I'll just sit here then. But I was wondering if you needed any help finishing anything. I know homework here can be overwhelming, and I don't take as many classes as you. Jamie let me copy most of his work this week, so I don't have any left. That Potions essay is really pretty simple when Jamie explains it. He said it was all about the way the particles break down, and how certain chemicals and substances can make that happen. Once you understand that part, the rest is pretty much filling up space by repeating yourself."

"If I needed your help, Black, I would have asked for it. But thanks for the input. Too bad I had already figured that part out and was working on, as you put it, "filling up space by repeating myself". Next time I need your help, I'll be sure to ask for it. And don't you think that it's a tiny bit pathetic that you're taking advice on your Potions homework from the one flunking the class?"

"It's not because he doesn't understand it, it's because he can't make potions worth crap, and he doesn't follow precise directions very well. You know that." Sirius defended James without even thinking about it.  
"Are you finished? I have seven more inches to go on my History essay, and the whole Transfiguration assignment left."

"Yeah, sorry."

"Sure."

"Why are you being so cold? Just tell me. If you just tell me why, I'll stop bothering you. I'll stop butting in where you want privacy, and I'll leave you alone when you tell me to. But how can you expect me to just walk away from the only person I care about so much? You mean more to me than Jamie. And now I don't know what to think. Except that it hurts, and I just want the truth. Maybe if I understand why, it won't hurt so much."

"Black. Stop, just don't do this, because you already know more than you want to know. If you think I'm intriguing, you're in for a surprise, and not a pleasant one. If you think I'm a challenge, then I'm one you don't want to win."

"And if I think that I love you, what then?"

Remus blinked at him, caught for a moment, before growling out steadily, "Then you're wrong. Because you can't. Believe me. And you're in for more pain than you can imagine. You'd thank me for disillusioning you. It's almost never better to learn the truth, believe me."

"Like your arms, and all those scars?" asked Sirius as gently as he could, eyes sad and pleading.

"Stop pitying me for something you can't understand, and stop judging me for something you haven't even realized you know. Just stop trying to be my friend. Stop trying fall in love with the wrong things!" Remus nearly spat at Sirius. He didn't want to be saying all these things, but they just kept spilling out of his mouth, against his will.

"I'm not in love with the wrong things. It's just you, Remus, that's all I'm in love with. I'm in love with everything, and I wish you didn't hurt yourself like that, but it doesn't mean I love you any less for it. Just trust me. Please. I won't betray you, ever. I couldn't. Believe me, if it's the only thing you can do."

"I wish it were that simple, Sirius. But unfortunately, things aren't always as black and white as you see them. There's almost always something in the way. Some secrets just weren't meant to be shared, with anyone. You're making things worse for me by staying attached. You're just hurting me more. If you loved me, you wouldn't do this."

"Anyone who loved you would do everything they could to make sure you trusted them. That's all I need from you. I don't need you to love me back; I just want a little trust. I want to know what's wrong."

"And if I told you what was "wrong" as you put it, would you go away then? Would you leave me in peace, or would you still be here, bugging me to "get help" and "talk about it"? I'm not the kind of person who needs help, Sirius. I always do things on my own, and they always get done. I never needed friends, and I made a stupid mistake thinking that I did."

"What do you mean by mistake? Do you mean me and Peter and Jamie, or do you mean before you came here?" the question was calculated to go places Remus was afraid of. But Sirius didn't care anymore. He couldn't take this waiting. He wasn't a patient person by nature, and slowly dying inside while he watched Remus' masochism tear him apart was driving him insane.

"It's none of your damn business Black. You think this is easy for me?! Do you think I feel things less than you do? Isn't my pain evidence that at the very least, I know suffering?"

Sirius felt a sharp stab of guilt at Remus' accusation. It was true; he'd been thinking more of himself than of Remus this time. "Remus… please…"

"Please what, Black? What do you want? Tell me one more time, so I can find one more creative way to lie, to put you off, to ignore you, to hurt you. But by all means, say it one more time." The angry hiss behind Remus words stung like poison in a wound, but Sirius resolutely ignored it.

"Just tell me the truth. You know I'll find out. You know I can. You know you're afraid of me doing it my way. Why not just tell me now? It would make everything so much easier."

"You think I don't realize all that? You think I haven't weighed it all out? I'm in constant agony, and you think I never wanted someone to trust, you think I never tried to trust someone? Look Black, I've had enough painful betrayals to last a lifetime, and I'm just tired and cynical enough that nothing really matters anymore but staying alive, and keeping my secrets safe is the only way I know how. That's all that's left to me. I know you aren't about to give up now, not when you know I'm hiding something from you, and your stupid egotistic pride won't let it go, but at least I warned you. At least you can rest as much blame as possible on yourself when you do find out. Don't ever say I didn't do my lame, pathetic, hateful best. I always wanted what was best for you."

"I… I think I'm going to be sick. I feel sick… Remus…"

"Just leave. Find out my secret if you have to, but leave. And don't say I didn't try."

Sirius stumbled a little, backing out of the dorm. When he got out into the common room, he fled, ignoring the curious looks that followed him. Clutching his stomach he toppled against a cool wall in the corridor, laying his forehead against the stone, willing the solid barrier to halt the dizzy way his world was swimming in and out of focus. He tried to figure out why his stomach hurt so badly, and when he tried to remember what he'd eaten recently, he realized that he hadn't touched food for almost four days. He had almost grown accustomed to the dizziness that had halted him in his steps, when he started to gag, heaving dryly, choking back sobs as he did so. The pain in his gut was intensified by the fact he'd just had another dead-end, agonizing argument with his Remus. No, wrong, not his Remus. Lucius' Remus. Not his at all. He'd been unable, or unwilling to protect the person he loved, and Remus wouldn't forgive him for it. Suddenly a lot of things seemed clearer to Sirius. He managed to stand, cautiously, clinging to the stone for support, the pads of his fingers scraping painfully on the rough stone as he scrabbled for a better hold.

He needed to get to the hospital wing, but the prospect of stairs was making him too nauseous to even cling to the wall. Sinking down in as controlled a manner as he could, he tried not to move his head too sharply when it smacked into the wall, tiny jagged pieces of stone digging into his scalp and making his eyes tear up. Resigning himself, he lay there, and hoped desperately that it wasn't James or Lily that found him here. Neither of them would forgive him for doing something so stupid and completely lovesick. Who forgot to eat, just because they were worried? Choking, Sirius started to laugh a little, but the action proved too much for him, and he passed out, unresisting head falling against the floor with a sharp crack.

__

_

* * *

_

__

_Hope this is what you wanted.  
Hope this is what you had in mind.  
Cuz this is what you're getting.  
I hope you're choking. I hope you choke on this._

_I have come curiously close to the end, down  
Beneath my self-indulgent pitiful hole,  
Defeated, I concede and  
Move closer  
I may find comfort here  
I may find peace within the emptiness  
How pitiful_

_It's calling me..._

_And in my darkest moment, fetal and weeping  
The moon tells me a secret - my confidant  
As full and bright as I am  
This light is not my own and  
A million light reflections pass over me_

Remus felt terrible; his whole mind was in turmoil. He wasn't sure of anything anymore. Was his secret worth all this? Truly, would Sirius want it this way? Would he thank him now? He didn't honestly think so anymore, but Remus had clung too long and too fiercely to this secrecy to let it go now. Everything was falling apart, just like he knew it would have to eventually. All good things ended, right? And this wasn't so bad, was it? It would all be over soon enough, and maybe then it would finally be okay to let the wolf drag him down all the way, rending his mind into tiny pieces with it's perfect razor-sharp claws, until he was left with nothingness; with peace. He imagined that void all the time; courted it constantly. He practically flirted with death every time he was forced back to the razor-blade. Yet the thought didn't frighten him, oddly enough, it comforted him.

This game he was playing with Sirius' mind was twisted, he had to admit, but it satisfied both the wolf and his own angry helplessness. He did love Sirius, but he wasn't willing to let the wolf think he did. The wolf demanded things from him he wasn't even willing to think about doing to Sirius. Sirius was innocent; Remus was not. Remus was pain and death and fear and agony that felt far sweeter than it should. Sirius was perfection, and he was everything the wolf wanted to destroy. Which was why Remus was determined to deny himself the only thing that could make everything right. The wolf ruined things. Especially pretty things, like Sirius. Somehow, through it all, Sirius had still managed to take first place in his mind, and to give in now would be worse than suicide. Bitterly he slipped down into the comforter, wondering how the softness of his bed could still feel so wonderful when everything else was wrong.

Peter saw Sirius running out of the common room, and he felt obligated to follow. It was not only his duty to a friend, but his duty to his curiosity. He found it amusing that Remus could drive confident, self-reliant, arrogant Sirius Black to these lengths. It amused him, and it frustrated him. He didn't understand any of this anymore; somewhere along the road everything had gotten too tangled up in emotions and humanity for his calculating mind. But he still couldn't give up. It was time, Peter decided, to give them all a nudge in the right direction. Turning around, he abandoned following Sirius and went back to his table in the common room, mentally going over every minute detail of his plan. If anyone would have bothered to look in Peter's direction the rest of that day, they would have been unable to miss the glee radiating from his weak little eyes.

When Sirius woke up, he was in a hospital bed in the infirmary and he had a splitting headache. He wanted to die. The first thing he remembered was the argument with Remus. The second was the fact that he'd been starving himself for days and had passed out in the hallway leading from Gryffindor tower. After all that information had finished flashing in his head, he started to panic. What if Lily or James had found him? What if Remus had found him? What if they hadn't found him, but had found out from whoever had happened to trip over him? Would they kill him? Or would they all come pouring into the room right now, when he felt like total shit and start screaming at him? With a groan, Sirius flopped back into the bed, wishing he could go back to being unconscious. Things were oh so much simpler when you were comatose. He knew he needed to resolve things now, before someone got hurt. He wanted so much to go back to before he had confessed his feelings to Remus. He wanted to take every stupid thing back and start again with this whole nightmare behind him. He was so drained; mentally and physically exhausted. He just wanted his storybook ending. Okay, so perhaps being in love with your best friend, who happened to be the same gender, wasn't exactly storybook material, but a happy ending would have been nice anyways.

Madam Pomfrey appeared at his bedside the moment he moved and started checking him over. She wouldn't look him in the eye through the whole thing, until finally, unable to take it anymore, he asked quietly, "What happened?"

"I should think that would be quite obvious, Mr. Black. You did one of the stupidest things I've ever seen, putting not only your own health at stake, but other peoples' as well. Your friends are worried sick, especially Mr. Lupin. They want to speak with you, and I have half a mind to let them in here to yell at you themselves. I don't care how desperate you are, gaining attention is not important enough to starve yourself for. I wish you teenagers thought before you did things once in a while." She shook her head, frowning severely. "I promised Mr. Lupin he could see you. I think he deserves that much."

Sirius groaned quietly, sinking back into the pillows as through they could protect him from the coming battle. "I, I think that's a bad idea."

"Well, you certainly know bad ideas, but I have a soft spot for Remus. He deserves his say. And you need to listen. He knows more than he lets on. Just listen to someone who knows better for once."

With that she left him there while she went to fetch Remus from the waiting room of the infirmary.

She returned shortly with a pale figure by her side; Remus J. Lupin, looking more pissed than he'd ever seen Remus look before. For the first time in ages, Sirius looked, truly stepped back and took in Remus' appearance. The other boy was haggard and thin, too thin to be healthy, and yet _he_ was the one getting reprimanded… Remus' face was like a storm cloud, barely contained anger radiating outward in pulses with each breath. Sirius flinched slightly. The overly large robe made Remus look waifish and ethereal, like he would just fade entirely if you looked too closely at him. It made Sirius want to protect him, and yet for once he realized how wrong that emotion was. Remus didn't need his protection, at least not in the way Sirius had been trying to give it. He needed Sirius' patience, and respect, and even possibly his love. But he didn't need to be protected. He simply needed to be needed.

He realized all this in the heartbeats before Remus spoke, his soft voice carrying his message with perfect clarity. "You idiot. You stupid, selfish _bastard_. I know you think you're justified, but damn it, Sirius Black, I thought you cared about something, me maybe, more than this. I can't believe you think you can do this to Jamie, to Lily, and Peter. And yes, to me. Jamie thinks he's done something wrong. He thinks he made this happen. What can I say? None of us are without our contributions to this mess. But of all of us, you deserve credit for causing the most misery and suffering. You think this is a game? I've tried everything I can think of to make you see how wrong you are, how much you're in over your head. I'm sorry I did what I did this morning, but I think it would be better for all involved of we didn't associate anymore. I can't afford this distraction; you can't afford to share my twisted world. I won't subject anyone else to this horror. I won't let you throw away your soul without even knowing what it is you're giving it up for. Trust me, Sirius." He flashed a determined look directly at Sirius, temper flaring solar-hot with each sharply spoken word.

"No! You trust _me_, Remus. I love you. That means there are no conditions. I will love you even if you think you don't deserve it. I can't help it, and you can't ask me to. I would give up anything to see you happy. Not simply safe, but happy. I don't care if that means hell right now. You deserve to be happy, and I deserve to be trusted. I will find out, Remus, and when I do, I promise you, I won't run away. That doesn't imply I won't care, and I might not like what I find, but that doesn't mean I'll love you any less. Somewhere you have to learn to trust someone, or you'll never be able to love anyone back. I want to be the one you learn to trust, because I also want to be the one you learn to love."

Remus let out a low sob. His voice came out somewhere between a hiss and a growl. "You don't know what it means. God, Sirius, you don't know what love means. I don't want love, ever again. Please just let me be. You're hurting us all. Don't you think I wouldn't take your love in a second if I thought it wouldn't destroy us both? I love you. I love you too goddamn much for my own good, for your good. So I'm giving you up. I wish I could explain. I want you to care about me. I want to belong to someone, belong with someone, but it's not my place. Please—"

"No. No, Remus. I'm not going to give up. Jamie said some stuff… about you… and I don't know how much of it was speculation, and how much of it was fact, but I'd never hurt you. You can tell me anything. Anything except nothing. Tell me…"

"Sirius…"

"Fine. Go think about it on your own. Go agonize over it and decide to keep it from me one more time. But I'll find out everything. I won't give up. Goodbye Remus. I'll be seeing you."

Remus stared at him, then as the dismissal sank in, he turned on his heel and stalked out of the room. Sirius watched him go, but he didn't call him back.

"Please, please make the right choice Remus, or I might just go insane." He whispered to himself as the quiet rushed back into the hospital room, swallowing up his words before they could reach their intended target.

Sirius looked up, feeling eyes on his body, and met Peter's solemn face. "Hey Pete. How long have you been standing there?" Translation: How much have you heard?

"The whole time. You two are more obvious about your issues than Severus and Lucius. You really should learn to be more discreet."

Sirius' eyes narrowed dangerously. "What exactly are you trying to tell me?"

"Just that you should be more careful in the future. Some people might want to take advantage of the fact that you're interested in Remus."

"And I'd tell them to fuck themselves with a rusty spork." said Sirius easily, unconcerned by Peter's warning.

"Hmm. That would go over well, I'm sure. Anyways, I wanted to show you something later on tonight, when you get out of the infirmary. I think it might interest you especially. Meet me at the Whomping Willow before sunset if you're interested."

Sirius stared after the second retreating figure that afternoon and wondered what in Merlin's name Peter had in mind.


	7. Save Your Breath

_Arms stretched out, giving thanks to pain  
__Spotlight looking down, I'm ashamed  
__Kneeling with my forehead to the ground  
__I can't help but flinch before I'm found_

Remus walked quickly. He could already feel the pull of the moon. Its presence was a demanding stain on his consciousness, calling to him, beckoning like a lover. He knew he was in for one of his worst transformations ever. These rifts in his human life were making the wolf take out its pain on his own body during the full moon, and the most recent confrontation with Sirius had wrapped tendrils of self doubt so deep in Remus' heart that he was afraid of the change like he hadn't been since the first year he'd been bitten. He was afraid that not wanting to come back would make it harder to become human again. He thought it might be a good idea to do some pre-transformation penance with a razor-blade. Not because he felt an urge, but because it might appease the wolf. His thoughts were amazingly cool and collected as he gathered up his "supplies". He rolled a change of clothing, a razor blade from an exact-o knife back home, and a roll of stained bandages into a thin blanket. He's have to hide the razor and bandages somewhere before Madam Pomfrey came to clean him up in the morning, but he knew what to do now. Having a plan, even if it was one that should have frightened him, made everything easier to handle. He clutched the bundle close and ducked between shadows until he ended up in front of the Whomping Willow. He estimated an hour before sunset, and he could add an extra ten minutes or so before the moon rose enough to cause his transformation. That gave him plenty of time to do what he was planning and clean it up again. Not that it would actually matter after he became a werewolf. He would just end up spilling more blood. The entire shack was covered in it after so many months.

He darted between the branches and pressed a knot in the bark that made the tree freeze until he dropped down into the tunnel underneath. The tunnel was narrow, and he had to bend his head to fit, but it was still a work of art, or perhaps just magic. The roots of the tree had been reformed as the walls and ceiling of the tunnel, winding around and providing convenient handholds. Not that Remus needed them anymore. He could find the tunnel and walk it in his sleep. It was just over half a mile to the entrance of the Shrieking Shack, but Remus was in a hurry tonight and he decided to run. When he nearly collapsed towards the end of the run, he was reminded why Sirius was the one who played Quiddich while he cheered from the safety of the sidelines. Although when Sirius was playing, not even the sidelines were safe.

Remus saw the stairs leading up to the trap door in the Shrieking Shack and pushed it open. He went through the first room and locked the door behind him, before surveying his monthly territory. Dumbledore had reinforced the room with magic, so that he wouldn't break free of his prison and make things dangerous for the townsfolk. The headmaster was already going against all rules to bring him to Hogwarts.

He unrolled the bundle of clothes and set about laying everything precisely. The blanket was stored carefully out of his way, his clothes were tucked on a shelf in the corner, and the razor blade and bandages were laid out in front of him on the floor. He thought for a moment and then pulled his shirt over his head, deciding to undress now rather than later. It would be part of his payment to the wolf.

Shivering, Remus picked up the razor. He brought it down to his wrist first, touching it along an old scar, gradually pressing harder until several beads of bright blood welled up behind the blade. Smiling a little, feeling numb and more in control than he had felt all week, Remus slashed a flurry of quick cuts onto his shoulder. It was bliss, in an odd form of the word. He hated the things that drove him here, hated having to do it, but the act was more soothing than anything else he knew.

Maybe it was just because he'd trained himself to like it, to need it even, but slicing his own flesh was much less frightening than having a real conversation with Sirius. It helped him see things clearer, and it calmed him when his nerves were frayed. Lately he realized he'd been seeking the comfort of a knife all too frequently, but this revelation didn't make him want to stop. It made him feel content, because here was one thing he controlled, one thing he directed. They couldn't hurt him half as bad as he could hurt himself. The power over his own life was dizzying.

He cut across a vein deliberately, but lightly enough to make sure he could stanch the flow of blood. Lifting his wrist to his mouth he drank the warm stream of red liquid like it was wine. He liked the taste of blood, sometimes he even craved it when he was human. It made him hungry and gave him a sense of dejavu that was oddly comforting. He was deeply aware of the symbolism involved in this little rituals he'd developed, but he knew most people wouldn't be so understanding. Sirius' response had surprised him a little, because his friend had seemed pretty accepting of his addiction. He had expected Sirius to rant and scream and cry, not give him a sad look and run away. At least afterwards Sirius had seemed able to accept it. It gave Remus hope. He felt as guilty over the cutting as he did over his "disease", and Sirius' attempt to understand meant more to him than anything. A couple more slices of the razor and Remus knew he was done. Blood was running down his arms in tiny rivulets, and he knew he would start to feel sick in a few moments. He grabbed the roll of stained bandages and wound one around his wrist tightly, hoping to stop the flow of blood before his transformation. Only now did he realize how much he needed his strength to hold on to his sanity during the change; every little bit made it easier to avoid submitting to the wolf's will. His weakness could mean his end. If he didn't keep control it was far too easy to let the wolf take over, and then nothing, not magic, not physical barriers, could keep him contained. He had spent his entire life since the bite hiding from that very possibility, and now he was scared again. Sighing, his limbs feeling like lead, he dragged himself into a standing position and hid the evidence of his transgressions, ignoring the blood still dripping from his wrist in a steady rhythm, once every couple of seconds, _drip.....drip.....drip.....drip_. Each red drop was a little bit of strength sapped from his body, and just like every time before, he was regretting his penance. Just as he moved back to stand in the centre of the tiny room, he felt the first painful tug of the moon on his soul. The first clouds of silver began to blanket his vision. Remus fell to his knees and doubled over in agony, then arched his throat and let out one piercing howl at his heavenly tormentor.

* * *

Sirius didn't know why he had even come here. He had been waiting by the Whomping Willow for ten minutes now, and the sun was just beginning to dip below the horizon. He felt like an idiot. What was he doing here anyways? What did he hope for Peter to accomplish that he couldn't do on his own? He had already made his decision about Remus, and he didn't think this was a part of it. He had no business messing in Remus' life anymore, and he thought he knew what, or rather who, this had to do with already. After all, what else had he been interested in lately? Even Peter would have had a hard time missing that much.

Finally he saw Peter's thin figure across the grounds, his eyes just barely able to make out the bleach-blond colour of his friends hair. "What kept you so long?" he called when Peter drew a little bit nearer.

"I had detention," came the soft reply. He frowned, but didn't say anything. In truth, Peter had been acting a little strange lately. He chose to ignore it for now, in favour of finding out why he was even here at all.

"So what was it you had me come here for?"

"You'll see. Follow me. The Whomping Willow isn't nearly as vicious as it looks, at least not if you know how to handle it." Sirius watched as Peter dodged between two flailing branches and upon reaching the trunk, groped along the tree until he hit a knot. The knot sunk in a bit and the tree suddenly froze; its branches terrifyingly still. Peter motioned Sirius forward frantically, practically shoving him into the tunnel Sirius had never noticed before. It disappeared between two roots and looked like a harmless shadow from a distance. Amazingly, the passageway was tall enough for him to stand with his head bent over. In his mind, Sirius was already devising a slew of new pranks involving this passage. He had never been the type to waste resources when they presented themselves.

"Where does this lead?"

"Like I said, you'll see soon enough. It goes to the village, but that isn't where I'm planning on going up tonight."

"Peter, I want to know where we're going."

"It's a seven minute walk. People say it's haunted, and I didn't know what they meant, until I heard it for myself, last month, during the full moon. Guess what night it is?"

"It's full moon, of course. So you think there is something worth sneaking out of school for in the Shrieking Shack?"

"You'll see."

Sirius would have growled, but the path chose that moment to get decidedly narrower. For an instant he felt like he was walking through thick putty, or peanut butter. It only lasted a second though, before widening back out again, and he realized it must have been a gateway through the magical barrier erected around the school. He knew it wasn't much farther now to their destination. He decided to be patient. Knowing the end was near made it much easier to handle the waiting. Suddenly Peter put out his hand, stopping Sirius, and pushed at the ceiling. To Sirius' surprise, the roof of the tunnel was actually a door leading to the Shrieking Shack. He pulled himself up, helping Peter to stand, and then looked around. He was in a shabby room with one window and a door leading off of it. The door was what interested him right now. Peter smiled to himself, but Sirius barely took note of his friend's behaviour at the moment. All he cared about was finding out what was worth coming here for. Peter showed him a hole in the door, just big enough to press your eye against.

What he saw was a shock. Remus was kneeling, naked, in the middle of the room, arms covered in bandages and blood, his back to the door. Suddenly Remus let out a sharp cry and twisted. A silver beam filtered in through the high window of the room.

Moonlight.

Sirius watched, paralyzed, as Remus curled into a ball and then threw his head back in what could only be deemed a howl. The sound was haunting, sending chills running through Sirius' body even as he watched, transfixed. Remus thrust his hands out in front of him, screaming as claws burst from the tips of his fingers, spattering blood on the ground in front of him. He convulsed again, his bones beginning to change, breaking and reforming under his skin. Sirius' own body screamed in time with Remus', his mouth falling open, a plea frozen on his lips, just as Remus was screaming over and over into the deafening silence of his surroundings. Sirius was horrified as hair began to spring through Remus' soft skin, dripping blood from each bristling tuft. He was helpless as Remus tore at his own face with his newly sharp claws, rending strips from his now half-werewolf body. It finally clicked in Sirius' brain, and a low cry tore itself free, ripping and shredding at him just as Remus was ripping and shredding at his own hide. The room was filled with the sound of crunching bone and endless screams. Peter was backed against the furthest wall, his eyes wide, taking in the scene he had wrought with a mixture between horror and unnatural glee.

Sirius' keening cry was cut abruptly short as the wolf swung its head around and met his eyes directly, a shock travelling through both man and beast. "No." Sirius whispered. "No….no…NO!!!"

The wolf snarled, its fangs and muzzle covered in dried blood. Sirius wondered vaguely how much of that was Remus' blood the beast was covered in. Sirius had a very hard time associating this _thing_ with his Remus. Events were going way too fast for him; each one seemed like a snapshot, rapidly flipping through the pages of his mind. He reeled backwards, breaking the staring match between the wolf and himself, scampering as far away from the door as he could go without tripping over Peter.

"No! God, please, no. Why? He doesn't deserve this. It isn't fair!" he repeated to himself over and over, wrapping his arms around himself, tears beginning to form in his eyes. This wasn't how things were supposed to be. It was all wrong. All he could see in his mind was the way Remus' pale-perfect throat had strained with the volume of a single howl, the way the blood had contrasted so starkly against the milky-light colour of Remus' skin.

He hurt. Somewhere inside, things had gone farther than he could handle. He wanted to curl up alone and cry; cry for Remus, cry for the wolf, for himself, and for the loss of another chance, the loss of something that should have been beautiful and perfect. He saw the wolf possessing Remus' body over and over again, violently usurping his will, his beauty, his pride. He was unnaturally aware of the beast in the room next to the one he and Peter were huddled in, but it was still too surreal. It seemed more like everything had broken inside, and now he just had to figure out why, to start to put the pieces back together. Everything still flashed in quick pictures in his mind; moments, frozen in time; frozen in horror.

He felt Peter's hand on his shoulder and started away from the touch. It returned, along with his friend's voice. Peter sounded odd, emotions staining to contain themselves behind the mask he was wearing. "We need to go Sirius. We can't afford to get caught."

Sirius nodded, but didn't move, he didn't think he could stand if he tried. "You knew. You knew, and you never told us." It finally fit together, every last strange thing he had takenfor granted over the last months.

"No, I didn't know, but I suspected." Peter said, managing to contain his own feelings behind the face he had kept firmly in place for the last two years. He felt in control now, like he finally had some power over the Marauders. It was intoxicating. He knew it had been right to wait for the moment when everything was perfect like this. Now _he_ decided the game. He was tired of being pushed around and stepped on by people who thought they were so much better than him. He wasn't really that much less important than them, he just tended to keep his abilities more contained. He was the power no one saw, and he had never understood exactly what that meant until now. He and Remus had had a lot in common that way, until he had revealed his secret tonight. Peter felt no remorse. He felt gratified. He deserved to give as good as he got, and he deserved to win. It wasn't that he didn't think he was in the wrong, he knew he was; it was just that he didn't care anymore. He'd been thoroughly disillusioned as to how far some people were willing to go to reap the rewards, and he was more proud than ashamed to realize that he had become like those people that had so intrigued him with their evil magnetism. As far as he could tell, there was no right and wrong.

There were victims, and there were the people who used them, and all he knew was that he was tired of being a victim. He had been used by too many people's good intentions to trust such things now. After all, as the muggle saying went, "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions."

Didn't it just prove that he was the smart one in the end? He didn't believe in any of the muggle bashing that Lucius and his sycophants practised; he thought that muggles were often a better lot than Wizarding folk. At least they were more honest about their lust for violence, their passion for chaos and destruction. Wizards dressed it up in prettier packages, but it was still war in its own right. The muggle obsession with death and immortality was something he understood very well. He needed his life to continue, if only through the acts he would be remembered for.

It was his own brand of truth.


	8. You Won't Feel Anything

When Remus woke up the next morning, he felt the wrongness stretched taut across the dawn, before he even remembered the hazy images, as seen through a wolf's eyes and thought by a wolf mind. He wished he hadn't woken up. Ever. He wanted to grab his clothes and his knife and run as far into the forest as possible before finishing the act he had started last night. The ultimate penance. But he could barely even move his fingers, or open his eyes. Everything felt out of place and flares of white hot pain were shooting down his spine with each shallow breath he took. He remembered throwing himself at the magical barrier separating him from the outside world repeatedly after Sirius had left, his friend's anguished cry echoing through his mind without end, colouring everything red and black and eventually gray.

Remus felt like he was dying over and over again in a constant, never-ending cycle, reliving the moment his eyes had connected with Sirius', the horror-stricken look, the fright easy to smell through the door. He had wanted Sirius then, but not as he wanted him as a human. He had wanted to tear Sirius apart, rip him into tiny pieces and eat his heart while it was still warm. He had wanted, still shamefully felt the desire, to rend Sirius limb from limb and devour him, to bathe in his blood, the very essence of everything he held precious as a human. He was just so tired now. Hadn't he kept his secrets long enough, worked hard enough to keep them his own? Why had it all been for nothing? Why had it ended like this? Remus lay still on the cold ground and silently spilled tears over the loss of one more beautiful thing.

* * *

Sirius woke up when the first light of dawn was still making it's appearance over the horizon, and knew that something was drastically, horribly different than it had been the morning before. He felt dirty, and ached with all the emotions of the night before. He realized all that before the first wave of images hit him, nearly blinding him with the intensity of his own grief. It all came flooding back in less than a second, and he let out a low sob, curling on his side in the four poster bed. Why? Why Remus; good, beautiful, smart, agonizingly perfect Remus? It wasn't fair, it wasn't right. He didn't know how to approach Remus this morning. He didn't think he could. He felt too guilty, too aching to not let something slip he would feel worse about later. When had it come to this? Why hadn't he noticed all the signs? And somehow, Sirius felt that everything hadn't been revealed yet. There had to be more, frightening as that seemed. He wanted Jamie to come over and reassure him, but Jamie didn't know, and he couldn't afford to tell him. There would be no comfort for a long time to come.

* * *

"Sirius, where were you last night? Remus and Peter were gone too. I want to know what's going on. You can't drag me into this half way and then regret it and ignore me. I won't let that happen. What's happening?"

"Nothing. Nothing that I can even think about right now. God, Jamie, why is everything so messed up?"

"Don't ask me that without telling me _how _everything is so messed up. I really don't want to be outside the loop anymore. I deserve as much of the truth as you do."

"I know, and I swear, I will tell you everything, but only after I know it all myself. I don't understand what happened. It was wrong, and I'm so scared, but I can't do anything. I can't talk to him, I can' talk to Peter. I can't talk to you. I feel so damn alone. Please, understand it. Remus was right all along. He knew what he was talking about. His twisted little world. So screwed up…" by the time Sirius trailed off he was speaking to his knees with his arms wrapped tightly around himself.

"What are you talking about? Tell me or don't tell me, but this is bullshit, and you know it."

"I'm sorry. Jamie, I really don't know what to do." He finally looked at James, his eyes dark, deep pools of human misery. James instantly felt bad for everything he'd said. Sirius had never acted this way before; it had to be as difficult as he claimed. He wanted to take it all away from his childhood friend, but he knew that was wrong too. Sirius had always caused his own misery, and he had always fixed his own problems as well. This wasn't James' fault, and there was nothing he could do about it right now. That didn't make it any easier to accept that his friends were sharing something he couldn't. He would do it though, and he refused to be bitter, because he knew how hard Sirius' life was without him putting limits on their friendship.

He thought of Lily for a moment and realized that Sirius was a stronger person than he would have been in his situation. Lily was a great girl, but it was a relationship entirely without struggle. It was the most perfect thing in his life, but he couldn't comprehend feeling pain instead of her love. He didn't think he would have pursued her if she had turned him down like Remus had turned Sirius away. He would have been miffed and a little depressed, but not too heartbroken. He liked her a lot, but he wasn't in love, yet. That was the difference between his and Sirius' current relationships.

He felt like talking to his comfort and compassion in the world right now; she would have something profound to say about all this, something to put it into perspective for him. And he wanted both of those things right now.

He looked at his best friend and saw all the suffering he was going through, and he couldn't blame him for anything he'd said or done. He wanted to help Sirius, but he didn't want to involve himself too deeply. He needed to have enough distance to put everything back together once it finished falling apart. Sirius was staring at him, eyes pleading for acceptance and answers James didn't know how to give him. "I understand Sirius, I'm not mad at you. I want this all to end, and I want you to be happy again. So figure it out and when you need my help, I'll be here for you, whatever you decide. Just don't do anything stupid, okay?"

"You mean anything stupider than what I've already done?" Sirius asked self-depreciatingly.

"Yeah, you're right, good luck with that. No, I meant stupid as in confronting Remus any more. Seems to me that would be one of the stupidest moves you could make at this point. I know you'll talk to him, but please, by Merlin, try to keep it low key enough not to make him scared or pissed off. He's unbalanced enough. I don't know what went on last might, but I want you to know I'm behind you no matter what. If you need me to talk to Remus for you, I will."

"Thanks Jamie, I might really need you to do that. I'm glad you aren't giving up on me."

"I wouldn't do that. But I really need to start getting ready for a date with Lily in about twenty minutes, so I should go. I'll see you tonight, Sirius."

"Yeah, see you after your date. Have fun and get lots of action." He gave his friend a pale copy of a wink that was none-the-less genuine for its lack of enthusiasm, and headed towards the hallway.

His steps took him to the library. He decided it was as good a place as any to think about how his life was falling apart before his eyes.

* * *

James didn't really have a planned date with Lily that day, but he knew she was always open to having a chat on a Saturday afternoon, whether or not it was scheduled. He needed to tell her what he'd been watching unfold over the last weeks, and he needed her to tell him everything would work out. He wanted her opinions as well, on what Sirius should do, on why Remus was so screwed up, and above all, what he should say to both boys. He didn't know how to be there for Sirius, and he knew that Lily had extra doses of compassion for anyone who honestly needed it. She didn't put up with idiots who caused their own problems, but she did try to help when she thought the other person deserved her advice. Right now James just wanted a truthful perspective from someone with no emotional attachment to the unfolding drama between his friends. He already knew she thought Remus was an intelligent person with brilliant ideas hidden behind his cold exterior. Then again, she also thought Snape had his moments of inspiration.

He walked up to her table in the common room and sat down, laying his hand on hers for a second. She looked up and smiled radiantly at him and he was reminded again of how lucky he was to be going out with her. Those smiles made it all worthwhile. "What brings you to my workplace?" she said, laughter just underneath her words. He loved that about her. She always smiled when she said things, even if they weren't funny. She seemed to be saying, "I don't find it all that amusing, but you should."

"I wanted to talk to you about… have you noticed how distant Remus has seemed lately? Or even Peter for that matter. Sirius too."

"Jamie, I know what you mean, but that's all I know. I don't know any of what's going on between you four."

"That's why I wanted to talk to you. It feels like you're the only sane person I know. The rest of the Marauders have lost their minds, I swear. They're driving me crazy." He proceeded to explain all of the problems he had witnessed in the last several weeks, and went on to try to describe the twisted relationship between Remus and Sirius.

Lily sighed. "The saddest thing I can see here, is that Remus must really love Sirius back, perhaps even more than Sirius loves him. He loves him enough to give him up, which is something that Sirius cannot do. If anything is love, that is. And it looks like it will only get worse before getting better."

"Merlin I hope not! I can't take much more."

"Love, this isn't your fight. You don't need to involve yourself so much. Help Sirius, but don't get hurt yourself. Neither of them wants to do that to you. As for Peter… I'm sorry to say that I never liked him too much, and all this is just reinforcing my feelings on the matter. Step away from all the shit and really look at what's going on. Have you been keeping track of how often Remus ends up in the hospital?"

"He ends up in their about once a month. He never stays longer than a day and a night, but he's usually gone a night before that as well. I don't know where he goes before he ends up in the hospital wing, but Sirius thinks it has something to do with why Remus is so skittish."

"When does it happen during the month?" asked Lily, an intense look on her face.

"About the middle of the month, sometimes earlier or later."

"How long has he been disappearing?"

"What is this, twenty questions?"

"Answer me, Jamie. I need to know this."

"Okay, I don't remember a time when he didn't. He used to say it was to visit a family member or something, but he gave up with excuses after second year."

"I think Remus is a werewolf."

"Ha ha, that's not funny, Lily."

"I agree, it isn't funny. It's not supposed to be. Explain one more time the way he looks when you scare him or make him mad. The part about him baring his teeth and snarling. The whole glowing eyes thing too."

"Stop it, Lily. Remus is not a werewolf. He's a scrawny little abused bookworm, and not much else. He's too nice most of the time. And Sirius is right when he says that Remus is beautiful. Beautiful people aren't secretly werewolves masquerading as wizards. It sounds like a bloody fairytale."

"James, we live in a bloody fairytale, and you know I'm right."

"No, I don't. I think you're full of bullshit and this is one of your wild stories."

"I don't tell wild stories, Jamie. Remus is a werewolf."

"He is not a werewolf!"

"Think about it, and in a minute it will hit you how right I am. Then you'll feel really bad about calling me a liar."

"Damn it! That is not possible. Dumbledore would never tolerate something so unsafe at our school. He is sworn to protect children, and a werewolf is a dangerous liability, not to mention an illegal one."

"Maybe he thinks Remus deserves a chance. Stereotyping is a pointless thing to waste your time on. Remus is as much a person with rights and feelings as the rest of us. And whether or not he thinks so, he deserves to have Sirius, without being afraid. If Sirius loves him, he will learn to accept the facts without judging Remus based on old fashioned ideas. Werewolves are really very nice people, and all of them endure so much. Their pain is more immense than you can imagine going through. They have to constantly stay on their guard, in order to keep the wolf at bay. It drives the weaker ones insane. But Remus obviously isn't weak. He's one of the youngest werewolves I've ever heard of. Most people don't even survive the bite. It's nearly unheard of to have someone under fifteen live past the first week. For a child to suffer through the pain of transformation, with his own parents afraid of him, it must have been unbearable. Many werewolves' family members shun them. Often times they will act as though the person is dead. I think it is intolerably cruel for anyone to do that to another sentient being, much less another human. People are so awful to one another. Remus probably had a horrible childhood. He probably thinks that every bad thing that has ever happened in his life was caused by his condition. You have no idea what being a werewolf can do to your head. It messes with the very foundation of your beliefs. He probably doesn't think he deserves happiness, and he also has to assume that everyone will hate him for being what he is. I can't believe none of you even suspected. The signs were all so clear. And you're his only friends."

"I'm not really his friend, Lily. His only real friend is Sirius, who is so completely in love with him that it's pathetic. They play the worst mind games with each other, neither of them on purpose. Remus avoids all acts of friendship like the plague, and touching is entirely out of the question. He won't talk openly about anything, and his past is a closed book. He never talks about home, except once, when he said he hated it there and he never wanted to go back. He cuts himself a lot. He has scars everywhere, and it took Sirius a long time to realize it. I never said anything about them, but it kind of scared me. People who hurt themselves are messed up."

"Merlin, you are such a typical male! Prejudice is the least becoming emotion in the human psychology. No one deserves to be labelled and then left to rot. If being messed up is taking out your anger on yourself instead of the people around you, than I suppose I will never understand you, James D. Potter."

"Lily… I just said he scared me, and I do think that anyone who cuts themselves has some major instability in their mind. It's not my fault I'm not comfortable around that kind of person." James tried to rectify his apparent lack of empathy.

"Yes, it is." Lily said firmly, frowning at her boyfriend. "You have to be open to learn to make things better; otherwise you're just perpetuating the cycle. How can people like Remus learn to trust anyone when people shun them for their human issues before they can even open up?"

"How do I know that all this isn't just speculation anyways? Neither of us really knows if he's a werewolf. How can you just assume? You don't even know him."

"Which makes me all the more sure I'm right." Lily said confidently.

James just looked at her. He didn't know if she was right for certain, but for his part, he thought she had quite the argument. His only problem was coming to terms with the repercussions of what she was saying. If she was right, then everything he had ever thought about Remus had to be rethought, and every stereotype about werewolves had to be knocked down, and worst of all, what Sirius had previously gone through was nothing in comparison to what he was about to experience. None of that was a good thing in his opinion, but in Lily's opinion, it was all worthwhile. That was what he loved about her. She never hesitated to face her own issues before going on to deal with everyone else's.

Lily interrupted his thoughts, gripping his arm and giving him her best stern look, "I don't want you to tell Sirius about this. You have to promise me. You can go confront Remus all you want, but Sirius has to either find out on his own, or hear it from Remus himself. If he hears it from you, Remus will never forgive you, Sirius will always have doubts, and Remus will think that you discussed him like some lab animal. He really just needs your compassion. Both of them do. As for Peter, I'm confused about him, but try to be understanding. He must feel positively wretched next to the rest of you. Even Remus has a captivating presence of his own. Peter is just very… normal, and quiet. He has his moments, and he's always been loyal, hell, he worships you James, but he's got issues of his own. I'm not willing to second guess them though, so it's up to the rest of you Marauders to figure out how to bring him back in. And don't just go blundering about the matter like you guys tend to do. I've seen more sensitivity from an angry bull. You all need to learn some diplomacy."

"I'm a _man_, Lily! Not a bloody poof! I handle things like any other guy would! That diplomacy stuff is for fags and women."

"James Potter! I can't believe you said that! I'd watch who I was calling a fag, seeing how Sirius and Remus both-"

"Yeah, whatever… I get it, Lil." James cut her off hastily.

"You are the most frustrating person I've ever met! Your best friend is gay, so get over it already. Who's sensitive now, huh?" She almost shrieked, jabbing her finger into his chest.

"That isn't fair, Lily." He flinched both at the bruise-inducing pokes and the accusation.

"But it's true. If you value what you and Sirius have as friends, than you won't even be affected by the fact that he and Remus love each other. In fact, you'll be happy for them, and supportive, and all that other garbage that it takes to be friends. Because that's what he needs right now, not some prejudiced, old-fashioned hypocrite who throws his differences in his face."

"Lily…"

"James…"

They glared at each other for a minute before bursting out laughing, startling some first years nearby. James caught her hand and tugged her across the table for a kiss. Even though they seemed to have their share of disagreements, it was part of the fun. It felt more like playing than fighting. He supposed that was why he was going out with her in the first place. And even though he wasn't exactly looking forward to the next few days, or weeks even, he knew she was right, about pretty much everything.


	9. Everything About You

Budgiebird – YES! A song-praise! You made my day, and for that, I have given you sappiness! All shall be revealed in the chapter…. Okay, not _all_ but most…

AffectedMango0 – I have gotten so many reviews from you! It makes me so happy to read them! I just wanted to thank you and say that things will start to look better from a SB/RL slasher-perspective in the next couple of chapters. Just so you don't give up on me and think it will never happen… they _will_ have their happy ending… maybe… eventually... someday... shifty eyes 

...

* * *

...

Remus still didn't have the strength, mental and otherwise, to get out of the hospital bed, but all he knew was that when the confrontation happened he wanted to be out of this pristine white room; able to defend himself, able to fight back. He didn't want to sit and take all the accusations and the prejudice; he wanted to take a stand. It wasn't as though he had anything to lose by speaking truthfully. Not anymore. Sirius probably hated him too much to even think of getting near him. And if he didn't hate him, then Sirius was scared of him. Merlin, he hated his life. He wanted out. He wanted to have an existence where he could love Sirius back, where he didn't have to suffer extreme pain once a month, and where he could know that the wolf wasn't lurking just behind his thoughts, ready to take over in an instant and tear everything apart. He wished that he could believe he was a good person. He wanted to know that he deserved a good life.

He just wanted the never-ending cycle of pain to stop.

How was it that one moment could remain so frozen in his mind, when everything else was numb? He just kept replaying the silent second in which Sirius' eyes had met his own were ones. He felt the shock again and again, and realized just how much Sirius had come to mean to him if the wolf could recognize him. He feared the way that the wolf had wanted to rend Sirius into tiny pieces. It was that fear that had caused him to force away his love for Sirius in the first place.

Remus wanted to take all this torture and let it out so everyone could see the pain he carried every day. He wanted someone to know everything and to still care, but werewolves were tainted, filthy creatures by nature. He had already caused two people's deaths. What did he have to say in his own defence? There was nothing that could purge him of his sins. He wished that he had the strength to lay it all on his own shoulders, but he still blamed them all. He blamed his parents, for never caring about him. He blamed his brother for being stronger than him. He blamed the werewolf who had bitten him. He blamed the moon for tormenting him each month. Most of all though, he blamed David. He would always blame David for everything that went wrong in his life, and he would always carry that guilt around, wanting to fix it, and unable to even begin. If Sirius knew that particular aspect of his life, he would have loathed him even more. But maybe that was his only defence now. Maybe by arming himself with his faults he could drive Sirius away before the other teen could hurt him as so many other's had already done. He would make weapons of his own flaws. Not even Sirius could combat that kind of anger. Sirius was a saint next to Remus, but he had his limits, and if he hadn't already been pushed over the edge by Remus' secret, the rest would certainly do the trick. He didn't' know where to begin even. Where should he start? He had only told the story of Romulus to one person, and that had been the worst decision of his life. David had betrayed him in so many ways. He would carry the scars of that part of his life forever. Nothing could heal those memories, just like nothing would erase the scars on his wrists. Sometimes even now, in order to remember the pain, he pressed a piece of silver into the marks, re-burning the shame and horror and memories into his flesh, so he would never forget. He didn't deserve to forget.

Just like he would never deserve Sirius.

* * *

_'I'm going to do this. I have to face him. I have to tell him I still care, I have to be strong. He needs me to be so much stronger than I am. Merlin, why?'_ Sirius didn't know how to even think of approaching Remus, and it was nearing evening already. He kept telling himself that Remus would come back any time now, but he remembered the pain in Remus eyes, even as a werewolf, and he knew Remus would not voluntarily face him. So Sirius had sat here for the last two hours, trying to convince himself to go to Remus. And he was still nowhere near convinced that it was the right thing to do. Would Remus even want to see him have after he'd betrayed his friend's trust so completely? He'd warned Remus that this would happen, but facing the real thing was so much harder than imagining it. He was sorry he had ever wanted the truth, and sorry that Remus had to be so right.

Sirius couldn't hate the fact that Remus was a werewolf, but he hated the hapless destruction of more beauty, the way Remus had cried out in pain, just before the claws had ripped through his delicate hands. There was so much that Sirius understood now that he wished he didn't. Not for his own sake, but for Remus'. Remus would never be able to trust him again, and he hadn't trusted him at all to begin with. Sirius just wanted things to go back to the way they had been before he had developed his unhealthy obsession with Remus. Everything had been fine, and he'd naively believed that they could only get better. Now he wanted to go back in time and beat himself up in advance. As much as he thought it would seem strange, he wanted to talk to Lily. He'd only talked with her a couple times in the past, but she seemed as level-headed as girls came, and he needed the opinion of someone who wasn't personally involved with Remus. He also knew that James would probably get pretty pissed if his oldest friend went to his new girlfriend to talk about issues pertaining to him. He hated to admit it, but James was the jealous type. But so was he, for that matter. And he was the overprotective, obsessive, head-over-heels-in-love kind too. He really wanted to be the perfect boyfriend for Remus, wanted to be patient and calm and easygoing about the whole thing, but hadn't he proved beyond a doubt that he was the absolute worst thing for Remus right now? Hadn't he already forfeited his chance to be anything more than friends, and now even friendship was looking unlikely. Much as he wanted to try again to pick up the pieces, he didn't know whether that wish was more for Remus' sake, or for his own. All he knew was that he needed to do something or he would go insane. He didn't want to think things over anymore, he wanted to fix them. He wanted to promise Remus that he would still care about him, no matter what kind of monster Remus thought himself to be. That was really the only thing left to do. With a grim expression etched into his usually cheery face, Sirius finished getting dressed, dragging a comb through hopelessly tangled hair, and wrapped his arms around himself in a vague gesture of self defence. He knew what he had to do for himself. The question was, did he really know what he had to do for Remus?

* * *

"Remus, can I come in?" asked Sirius in a tentative voice. This was dangerous territory, and he didn't want to screw things up anymore.

"Sirius…" Remus' voice was equally quiet, and Sirius winced.

"I'm… I don't know what to say. I don't know what would possibly sound right, except that I'm so sorry. I know I wasn't the best of friends lately, and I'm sorry that I never took the time to notice that what you were going through like I should have. You probably think I'm going to just leave you now and never speak to you again, but that's not the kind of person I am, especially when it comes to you. I care about you more than any other person I know, besides Jamie, and I know it probably doesn't mean much, but I'm not going to just give up because I've seen the truth. Contrary to what you obviously think of me, I'm not that shallow. I was a little blinded by my own feelings, and it made me do some pretty stupid stuff that probably made you feel like shit, but I didn't do any of it to hurt you."

"God, Sirius, why are you doing this? Isn't it enough that you've seen everything? Isn't it enough that I'm a bloody werewolf, without you trying to justify me? I don't need that or want it. I just want you to be able to look me in the eye. Can you even do that?"

"Remus, I'm in love with you! Merlin, this is so screwed up! I just wanted to be able to tell you that! I wanted you to give me a straight answer. I want you to tell me you don't love me back, or that you do, but please tell me something!" his dark eyes bore into Remus' intensely, filled with all the frustration and pain he'd been trying to hold inside for the last two months. Remus also saw fear there, and for once he realized that this fear wasn't a product of being frightened of the wolf inside his teenage body, but of being rejected by Remus' human self. And he found that he could not reject Sirius, not any more, not after everything Sirius had gone through to prove that he would be there for him no matter what. Instead he smiled, slowly, shyly, and said, "God, you're serious, aren't you?" the little breathless half-laugh he received was heaven, and he continued with more conviction this time. "I do, god Sirius, I do love you, and I've never said that to anyone before. You scare me every bit as much as you make me feel perfect. I want to be with you, but I…" Remus' voice faltered, "I... don't know how to trust you. I trusted someone once, and…trust is just another fancy word for betrayal. I want to trust you, but all I can see is his face, and his words, and all the pain he put me through, and it scares me so much. Please, don't be offended, but so much shit has happened for that one word: love. Everyone wants to possess it, and god, it's got so much pain wrapped up in its meaning."

"Remus, that's what love is about. It's about being hurt and learning to trust again. It's about wanting to trust. If you can get that far, then the rest is just practice. Years and years of practice, but it's worth it. Don't think that I care any less about what happened to you because I say that, but I want to be with you more than life. I would give up anything to have the chance to prove that love is about recovery as much as trust. No relationship is perfect, and there will always be some pain, but the hurt is always less than the perfection. That's how you know its love." Sirius was smiling now, and Remus' basked in it, realizing just how empty his life had been without seeing that familiar grin.

"Remus, I want you to know that just because I have no problems with you being a werewolf, doesn't mean I want to watch you put yourself through more pain. I still want to try and help you, and if I'm getting in the way, just tell me, but I don't like watching you hurt yourself. It's like your slicing me when you cut yourself. If you feel like doing it, I'm not going to stop you or anything, but don't you think you go through enough pain already, against your will, without inflicting more?"

"I do it because it's something to control. _I_ make that pain, not the wolf. I can cause it, and I can take it away. It's an addiction, just like those stupid muggle cigarettes you insist on smoking. I don't have a choice, but maybe having you around, I mean, if you want, it might make it a little easier."

Sirius smiled at him reassuringly. "I'll always be here when you need me. No matter what happens."

Sirius decided from that moment onward that he had a goal. Remus' smile, his real smile, was truly the most amazing thing he'd ever seen, and he felt the overwhelming need to see it again, and again. He wanted to give Remus something to smile about.

* * *

Peter was still shivering. He felt like the cold of the moon's light had permanently leeched inside his bones and he would never be warm again. His thin hands shook whenever he lifted them, and his knees were drawn tightly up to his chest in the big four poster bed. Nothing had worked out. Nothing would ever be right again. He hadn't meant to bring them closer together. How could he have miscalculated Sirius' capacity for love so gravely?

Love. The word was the source of all his problems. Love was the reason he was all alone. Love was the reason James only cared about Lily and Sirius. Love was the reason he was a forgotten blur, a stain on the existence of humanity. Love was everything he hated and would ever come to hate.

And it was everything he could not have.


	10. So Much, Too Fast

Sorry for the inexcusable shortness of this chapter, but the next chapter is LONG. Long enough to satisfy all my rabid fans. Ah, I make myself laugh… with derision, perhaps…

.

Huzzah for angst of the Snape breed. You will soon be sick of it...

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* * *

* * *

...

Severus had been so engrossed in the book he was reading on Advanced Transfiguration that he hadn't noticed Lucius' cold eyes watching him. His first warning was Lucius' fist grabbing a handful of hair and dragging him to his feet. He immediately flushed bright red. The entire common room had turned to watch the drama unfold between the two notorious lovers. Not that it even counted as a fight usually, because it was basically just Lucius' yelling and hitting and Severus taking it like the good little whore. Never-the-less, Severus hated public announcements of his transgressions. They usually included very personal information about his sex life and his many failures in that department. Sometimes it was worse, and Lucius would actually accuse him of various things ranging from going behind his back with a Gryffindor, to sleeping with someone besides Lucius. The latter at least had not ever been true. A Slytherin had once tried to force him to have sex, but he'd escaped with most of his clothes still intact. Lucius was the jealous type, and a sadistic bastard to top it off, and that made living with, or under, his boyfriend a very difficult thing. Especially lately. He didn't know why, but the number of violent incidents between himself and Lucius seemed to be on the rise. Since the time the month before when Lucius had… used him, he had been in a lot of pain. Each time they fucked it seemed more about control and less about pleasure. And it often involved the implementing of more pain. This night promised to be no different, he could already tell. By now he was used to being treated this way, though, and even though he was beginning to realize that he might not deserve the pain, there was nothing he could do to stop it.

"You little slut!" were the predictable first words out of Lucius' mouth.

"Lucius, let go of my hair." Snape managed, wincing. The harsh tugging on his scalp was hurting another recent scar from Lucius.

"You think you can order me around?! The only reason you're worth anything is because you belong to me. You have no right to complain after everything I've done for you, and everything I've put up with."

"Lucius, please…"Severus hated the whining tone in his voice, but couldn't do anything about it.

"I'll let you go when I feel like it. Get up!" he yanked on Severus' hair even harder, making him gasp and comply. "I want you in my bed, waiting. You have five minutes." The last was said loudly enough that most everyone heard. No one moved to help him, the faces watching him were nearly all hostile and uninterested in his plight. They had all wanted to watch a scene, but none of them would care to help him, even if it hadn't been Lucius they would have had to challenge. Shaking he started to move towards the door, when Lucius' leg shot out and knocked him to the ground. "Crawl like the worthless whore you are," snarled Lucius, a satisfied sneer hovering on his cold face. Severus' face burned, but he knew that it would all be so much worse for him if he didn't do what Lucius demanded. Slowly, on hands and knees he crawled towards the door, shaking from humiliation and anger. He was better than this, he knew he was. He didn't deserve to be humiliated in front of everyone like this, did he? He got to the hallway and considered running for it, but he knew the dangers of that even without truly considering the option. He wasn't stupid, he just wasn't very brave. He remembered how he had begged the sorting hat to put him in Gryffindor, but the hat had told him that his place was with Slytherin. It had said that he had great things to accomplish, and he would never reach his potential if he was in the wrong house. Right now he didn't give a rat's ass about his potential; he just wanted to be able to say he would live through the week, or even the next hour. '_stupid, Severus. No one dies from being raped. It's not like it hasn't happened before.'_

He moved to the fourth room on the right and opened the door. Without looking at the bed, he closed the door, and still facing the opposite wall, tossed his cloak and robe into a corner, revealing muggle jeans and a black T-shirt. Hesitating a moment he pulled the T-shirt over his head and placed his shaking fingers on the buttons of his jeans. He loathed Lucius for giving him five minutes to agonize over what was to come, five whole minutes to consider running away. And five minutes to regret ever talking to Lucius on that train five years ago. Sometimes he just wished he could die and leave all this behind, but that would never serve a purpose, and Severus did nothing that wasn't part of an extremely well-thought-out plan. Except for when it came to Lucius. Then he just tried to stay alive.

Finally, having run out of reasons not to finish the job, Severus undid each button quickly and tugged the jeans over his thin hips, tossing them next to the rest of his clothes. '_I'm fine, I'll be fine. Just breathe. Face your fears, Severus. Stop acting like it's not there.'_ he turned around and took a deep breath, relieved that for the moment, there was nothing kinky waiting on the bed. He always felt safer when he didn't have to see the pain already waiting for him. He climbed onto the big four poster bed and drew the curtains partway around him, needing the small comfort. Hurriedly, he stashed his wand between his mattresses, after casting a Silencing Spell on the room. He was already humiliated enough without everyone having to hear his screams. After a second of thought he grabbed the wand back and cast a pain-numbing spell on himself as well, knowing that if Lucius found out about it he would be furious, but unable to sit and do nothing. When there was not anything else left to do, he fidgeted, wrapping too-thin arms around his chest, trying to force himself not to curl into a ball. That wouldn't protect him against Lucius anyways.

_Deep Inside, It can hide  
Feeling so lost and betrayed  
why does this happen to me every time  
Stuck in this place, where I can't escape  
Screaming and clawing from deep inside  
  
Why won't it fade  
Outside I had to lie; "I'm ok",  
I hope someday, I'll stop getting pain  
I guess this is a lie, I have made_

He waited for the effects of the numbing spell to steal his cares and fear away, because he needed the extra strength to get through this one more time. As the spell began to work on him, he finally heard the door open. He tensed up even father, trying to disguise the fact that he was frightened. He heard the sound of clothes dropping to the floor and soft footsteps padding towards the bed. He tried to keep his eyes open, but couldn't manage it. He couldn't look into Lucius' eyes one more time while he was raped. It had all become too much. This pain was so much self-inflicted and so hard to break free from, but he wanted a chance. He wanted his freedom for the first time in five years. This was only one more obstacle, one more torture, and one more scar. It didn't matter.

No matter how many times he whispered these things to himself, he was still so scared he couldn't breathe, his whole mind screaming as Lucius' fingers trailed across his naked chest. This was so wrong, so horrible… it wasn't his fault, but somehow he'd chosen this. That was what made it so hard to break the chains Lucius held over him. He had let this happen to him, and now it was his life, and he had even wanted it at some point. He had thought that he felt love for Lucius, because love was the only thing that made his hell bearable. But in the end, love had been his own illusion, one that had never been shared by Lucius.

He knew his place, at least for now. He spread his legs wider, still keeping his eyes tightly shut, trying to ignore Lucius' hands on his bare skin.

Why did it still matter, after he'd already been through this so many times? It shouldn't have mattered anymore. If he had any idea of self-preservation he would have stopped caring a long time ago. Maybe he still would have turned cold like the rest of them, but somehow a small figure with wild eyes and amber hair had given him an image. He held it close to his heart, obsessing over it from afar, but afraid to touch it at the same time. He shied away from the entire concept, but was beginning to find the idea of being loved back desirable. He didn't know if he was even capable of loving anymore, after all the times he's simply shut off his emotions and gone along with things he didn't ever want to remember doing. Why was it all coming back now? Now when he needed the strength of oblivion more than ever, when he wanted to feel nothing but the void Lucius had filled him with? He didn't want to feel violated after everything was done, he wanted to feel justified. Somehow he'd believed that Lucius could give him that.

Lucius pinned his hands against the wall above the bed, his other hand yanked Severus' hair, making him gasp out. His eyes flew open, and he was greeted by the sight of Lucius over him, blond hair hanging in his eyes. This was a lie. Everything he'd ever gone through was a lie. Severus forgot how to scream, finally leaving his body to Lucius' hands without fear. He knew that he could come back and be the same person he had been before. None of this mattered at all, so long as he had the hope that Remus had given him. He waited calmly, in another place, for Lucius to leave. Whatever was left of Severus when his boyfriend was done was enough to pick up and start over again. None of this mattered except for Remus.

_The hurt inside is fading  
This shit gone way too far.  
All this time I've been waiting  
No I can not grieve anymore.  
For what's inside awaking.  
I'm done, I'm not a whore  
You've taken everything and   
__oh I can not give anymore._

He was tired of this whole fucking nightmare. He wanted out. He wanted somewhere safe to cry for all the times he'd held back, and all the times he hadn't been able to hold back. He wanted his own life, his own freedom. And Remus was going to help him. Or perhaps they could help each other. Somehow he was going to end all this pain. Whatever the cost. Somehow he would find a way to survive and triumph. He'd show them all that he was worth so much more than they had made him believe. He would be the nail in the coffins of each and every person who had ever made him feel less than human. All he needed was one friend. One person by whom the hurt seem trivial in comparison.


	11. Love Not Given Lightly

**AffectedMangoO** – Thank you, thank you, _thank you_ for the great reviews. They make me grin (evilly) every time. Yeah, so the sap in this chapter is dedicated to you (does that mean that I can blame it on you too?) XD. Hope you enjoy!

**Ashke** – Thanks for reading it, I was wondering if you ever would!

**Emma** – Well, I actually was ranting because I was _wrong_ about the twin thing, but hey, at least we still have fanfiction!

**cassy-australia** - Danke for being so nice! You ask; I deliver, sort of!

_A/N: For those of you who wanted an explanation, you'll find at least part of one here. There's only a hint of the horrors that David inflicted on poor little Remus, but eventually I'll explain the rest of that story as well. For now, you get to find out about Romulus and Remus' childhood and finally Sirius will start to say the right things instead of making it worse. Yay! Lucky you. XP_

_Oh yes, and if anyone would be willing to beta this for me, (I've never found anyone willing to just rip my stories apart) I'd love you forever. I've noticed that some scary grammar violations have been committed in previous chapters, and I'd like to fix as many of those as possible._

_This chapter made my sap-o-meter overheat and die violently in a cloud of blue smoke... so tell me if I went a little insane here._

DARKNESS  
chapter 11

* * *

_The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,  
And the circling is worth it.  
Finding beauty in the dissonance._

...

That was Remus' whole truth, and his nightmare. He wanted this to mean something, but he didn't know how to trust Sirius. He didn't know how the other boy could suggest this relationship and then not understand him at all. It was funny, how Sirius was the only person who could give him what he wanted, and yet he was the one person who understood the least. He had seen more, but he knew less about Remus than the barest stranger who had only witnessed Remus in passing. For that was how Remus had developed his personality; to be something glanced at and then ignored. He wished that this whole reality hadn't been revealed. It hurt him worse than Sirius would ever understand to learn that the one thing he'd thought he could do to protect his friends had actually been hurting them the most. He had thought that by keeping his distance he would somehow keep Sirius from caring, but in the end his distance had hurt the other boy more than even his curse could. He had been blind to someone else's suffering when he had thought that he was the most observant, the most _right_, of all the Marauders.

_'Enter my nightmare. But do it because you love me, not because you feel sorry for me. Please don't feel sorry for the times I've been hurt, or everything I've worked so hard to build will be destroyed. Don't pity me for what neither of us may change. And don't love me because I need it. Please. For once, love me because you need me back.' _He wanted this to be right. He wanted to mean more than a quick fuck to Sirius, and he wanted this to mean more than another pain trip to himself. He'd been hurt too many times to really care, and it was starting to scare him. He needed someone to wake him up inside, to grab him and hold tight, before he slipped over the edge and glided the rest of the way into the numb abyss waiting beyond the hurt. He didn't feel enough as it was, and the void was reaching out to him, beckoning with its promise of peace and rest. It promised no more quilt, no more tears. No more aching, consuming emptiness. It promised that the space inside his heart that needed to be filled would cease to exist. It made him want to beg Sirius to care, to hold off the nightmares and to never let go. But he'd been here before. And he knew that there were _always_ new levels of pain and loneliness to sink to.

* * *

He'd seen that look of terror on Remus' face so many times, and each time it meant something different and more complicated. He tried to ignore the little painful flutters in his stomach when Remus looked at him with big unguarded eyes, begging and yet afraid to ask for help. He wanted to be stronger, but he knew it was the wrong thing to want. Remus wanted to be needed by someone. He didn't need anything other than the truth from Sirius. As long as they kept that promise, both of them would come out of this relationship relatively unharmed, although slightly less innocent. Sirius at least knew that he would be a different person when it was over. He got up from the bed, where he'd been waiting for Remus for the last couple of hours. He wasn't exactly worried, his mind told him that nothing was wrong, but he was anxious. He wanted to see Remus, because he wanted to know for certain that this relationship was real. He wanted to affirm that everything he'd said in the hospital room was real, and that the look in Remus' eyes had been there like he'd thought. He wanted to hold Remus and be reassured that it could actually happen. He'd imagined this so many times, and he'd felt it in his dreams so realistically, that it was hard to believe he really was allowed to love Remus. Strangely, he was a little scared. Partly of the consequences of a true relationship, and of the long-term implications of each promise, but also of Remus himself. The times he'd imagined Remus giving into a relationship had been sweet and romantic. There had been nothing romantic about his confessions; just desperation, tempered by both of their separate suffering.

The halls were deserted at this time of night, and he knew he wasn't supposed to be out so late, but he couldn't imagine getting any sleep when he was so confused. He was out here to get answers that might not exist, to questions that made no sense. And he wanted Remus to answer them. He was out here because he'd finally decided to put some of his trust in the person he loved. Remus deserved that, and now he knew it in his mind, as well as in his heart.

If he hadn't learned that much by now, then he didn't deserve Remus at all.

"Remus… are you here?" he already knew the answer to his question, so it was more a warning to Remus. He'd seen the shadow of his friend blocking the stars from the first moment he'd entered the tower room. Sirius loved the view from this height, and it made sense that Remus would enjoy it as well.

He stood silently next to the other boy, just staring at the sky for several blissful minutes before he began. "I just wanted to know something. It's important. I know you don't trust me, but I need to know if you _want_ to trust me. I need to know that all of your fear and doubt can take second place to something better. I want to be better than everything you've ever experienced. I need to be that, for you, and for me."

"I know…" the voice that answered him was a raspy whisper, touching on the deep silence of the night without disturbing it at all. Sirius loved that voice. He knew somewhere deep down that he always would. "I know what you want from me, and I know I want the same things. I don't know how to accept the fact that I want them. I'm not even human. How do I know that I'm being true to myself? How do I know that you aren't the same as everyone else? You all bring such pretty promises, and every single time I trust you, and I think that for once it's going to be different. Every time it ends up being my fault. My fault for trusting… Once you've been bitten, you don't keep trying to pet the same dog. It's just madness, this whole idea; but I _do_ love you, and I do want you to love me. And you know what? You already have been the best thing to happen to me. I've never had a friend, since Romulus. I didn't think it was possible for me to love. Having that much would have been enough. But I think for once someone needs me as much as I need them, and it feels good, even if I'm deceiving myself. So yes… I do want to make this work. I do want to love and be loved back without having to be afraid. Do you have that to give, without taking everything away at the same time?" his eyes burned into Sirius, even across the room. They seemed to absorb the darkness and turn it into gold refracted halos. The light filtered through the gloom, and all Sirius could see or ever wanted to see were those sad amber eyes staring at him like he was the only thing in the world.

"I don't know _why_ I fell in love, but I do know why it was _you_ I fell in love with. You make all this hell seem like so much garbage to be thrown away. I can't even think about anything else. All I ever need is for you to love me. Please tell me you believe me… please let me mean everything to you too."

_'Why are you being so perfect, Sirius Black? Do you read minds as well as cast spells, or are you being sincere? Please, I've never done this before. So much pain, so much perfection. Everything. It's all in your eyes. This has to be love. Please love me. I'm going to throw everything away for you. Even fear. Let this be love…' _He took a deep breath, hearing the silence rush into his mind before he fell_. _"I don't understand this, but I want to. I love you. And I want to love you, which is the hardest part. I want to be loved_ by_ you. Sirius…" he watched with apprehension as his boyfriend moved closer and closer, his werewolf eyes able to see each fluid step clearly.

"Why are you willing to give me a chance when everyone else has hurt you? I don't deserve it. I've never treated you like I should. I never knew how much you were going through and I still don't. Why trust me?"

"Because I want to. Because you won't give up, you stupid bastard." The little half-laugh was more nervous than amused, and now Sirius was close enough to touch. His black hair was reflecting the light from the crescent moon, and for the first time in over seven years, Remus appreciated the beauty of his mistress in the heavens, if only because Sirius seemed twice as radiant in her light. The dark planes of his face were highlighted perfectly, the hollow in his throat standing out as a deep shadow, and his skin was the colour of deep blue pearls. It was a part of Sirius he had never seen before, and for some reason, it made him look more vulnerable, softer and more innocent than what the harsher light of the sun revealed. In that moment, Remus trusted him completely. He felt himself shudder as the last of his defences fell. He felt naked and empty, but the promise was there, just waiting to be fulfilled. He reached out tentatively and brushed a strand of jet-black hair out of Sirius face, needing to know if it felt as soft as it looked. He smiled, and ran his hand through the rest of Sirius' hair, resting it on the back of his neck. For once he wasn't afraid of the consequences. There was only one thing he felt right now, and it was so strange he was almost too afraid to name it. But he knew. He loved Sirius. His heart and soul belonged to the boy whose face was mere inches from his own.

He wasn't frightened when Sirius' hands rested gently on his hip and shoulder, drawing him forward slowly. He wanted this more than anything. Their mouths met gently at first, just tasting and trying, before both of them lost all caution. They'd both needed this for so long, that it was hard to stay sweet in their passions for more than the barest second. "I need you, please, Remus." Sirius whispered harshly after a moment, his breathing unsteady. He winced when Remus immediately shrank away from him.

"No… I can't… I want… I want you too. But I'm not… I can't. You wouldn't understand." Remus' voice was halting and uncertain.

"But I want to… Remus, please tell me the truth. Are you afraid of me?"

"No! I… I'm just not…I can't do that yet. Sex means a lot of bad things. I hoped that you would want to take it slow. We've only…um… been together for a day. I know you're used to easy sex, with no connections, and it makes me nervous. I don't want to be another conquest…"

"You can say it, Remus. We're a couple. I love you. I have for a long time now. I'm not going to hurt you, and I'm not going to push. I just want to know where I stand."

"You're either with me all the way, or you're against me. That's how being a werewolf works. Love me, hate me, or be ignorant. Since you're no longer ignorant… the rest is up to you. Choose what you want from me, but if this is about me as much as it is about you, I can't have sex after our first fucking kiss. I'd feel like another cheap fuck. I hate feeling like I'm replaceable. I hate feeling like a whore. I hate being used. So just try to understand, even if you don't."

"God Remus, what happened to you?"

"What?" Remus turned to him again, his eyes flashing, confusion written on his face.

"What happened that made you feel so worthless? What made you so damn afraid?"

"Nothing. Nothing happened to me."

"Remus, I want to know. I want to understand. You can tell me anything you need to, and I won't judge you. I won't hate you no matter how much you hate yourself. Even if you did deserve to be hated, I wouldn't be able to. That's what being in love is. Tell me what happened to you."

"Sirius… I can't. It hurts just to think about it."

"It wouldn't hurt so much if you talked about it instead of locking it so deep inside. What you're doing to yourself, it's killing you. It's poisoning you from the inside out. I want to help."

"I wouldn't know where to begin."

"Start where things went wrong. Start at the beginning. Tell me how you were bitten."

Remus took another deep breath, his face still turned away from Sirius, half in shadow. He was scared to begin. But he knew he had to explain. If he didn't then he would just be proving his cowardice. If Sirius wanted him to face his hell, then he would. He began in a whisper, unsteady and uncertain, but gaining strength as he went. "I was six when I died. My parents had two children, Remus and Romulus, twin boys. I think they were tempting fate when they gave names like that to children with the last name of Lupin. We were supposed to be perfectly safe in the village we were staying at. They said that they'd 'cleared' the forest of vampires and werewolves, but apparently one slipped by. We were staying in a little house on the outskirts of a small town in France, just for the week while we were on vacation. It was supposed to be peaceful and relaxing. I don't even remember what that means anymore. It's hard to think back to before I was bitten. It's all blurry and confusing. I think that I was happy. I loved my brother, and we were best friends. My parents thought it was cute how the 'wolf-twins' seemed to get along together so well. They named Romulus the lucky one because they loved him more. They always favoured him, and it's my fault he's dead instead of me. When the werewolf snuck into the house, everyone was asleep. No one had even bothered to realize that it was a full moon. We came from Paris and we didn't have to bother with things like that. I was sleeping closest to the door, on the floor in a sleeping bag. I woke up to see a giant pair of glowing amber eyes looming above me. I must have screamed. In fact, I don't think I stopped screaming that whole night.

"It's like a nightmare; too strange and frightening to believe, but too real to discredit. I hate it, because every time I close my eyes, it's haunting me in my dreams. She pinned me against the floor, and ripped across my shoulder with her claws. I thought I was going to die. She tore my stomach apart with her teeth, and the poison seeped into my veins so quickly. I was shaking and all the blood was draining out on the floor. I could feel all the life leaking out of me, and my screaming just kept going. I've been told that dying into the realm of the night-world is far different from mortal death. I can't die naturally now. The only thing that can truly kill me is exposure to silver, wizard spells, or being killed by another were-creature, like Vampires. Everything else I will either never experience, such as sickness or poison, or I can heal from. Actually, there is one poison that can kill me. Wolfsbane. When it is mixed with other ingredients it can become less harmful and actually can improve my condition, but no one has ever perfected the potion. They experiment on werewolves in illegal, but conveniently overlooked, science labs under the guise of treatment centres. They inject various potions into the werewolves and record the results. It's one of those things that come with being bitten. My parents tried to send me to one in the mountains, but I was too young, even for them. I guess even scientists can have attacks of conscience."

Sirius interrupted, horrified, "Why would your parents try to send you to a death camp? That doesn't seem very caring…" he asked uncertainly, although he was beginning to fear the answer.

"I killed their baby boy. They hate me as much as they hate the werewolf that bit me. Unfortunately for them, parents of werewolves are not allowed to give their monster children up for adoption, as they are considered a danger to society. Besides, what sane person would adopt a Child of the Darkness?"

"I don't understand. If you killed your brother, wouldn't you be in a prison somewhere, instead of Hogwarts?"

"It wasn't my bite that killed him, but it's still my fault. I should have died in his place, or at the very least alongside him. I never deserved to live."

"Is that their opinion, or yours?"

"Does it matter?" Remus hissed.

"To me!" Sirius said fiercely.

"The saying should have been 'Love is stupid' instead of 'Love is blind'. God, Sirius! I may as well have killed him. It's more my fault than anyone's that he died," he took another calming breath and continued with his story. "We were both bitten, Romulus and I. She didn't kill either of us. The first transformation was the worst. Our boned ripped apart and reformed, joints tore into new shapes and hair shot through our skin. I transformed first, because I was bitten first. My brother watched me with horror filled eyes. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted so badly to keep him from hurting as much as I did. We had been put in separate cages in a hospital, but they had been lax with the precautions. They had never dealt with child werewolves before. It was uncommon for a wolf to choose ones so young. In the unlikely event of a child being bitten, it was nearly unheard of for the child to survive the poison from the wounds, or the first transformation. Often, if a person hadn't completely healed from the attack by the time the first moon came, they would die during the change. We were both still sick, and the doctors didn't suspect us of having enough strength to make it through the first change. But somehow, when the pain had faded a little, and I was able to look through wolf eyes for the first time, my brother was there too, though he was still human. He stared at me, horrified, then his mouth opened in one silent scream, and I watched as his own body broke and reformed. Our strength as wolves was far greater than that of any fully grown human. But I was still too weak to move. I barely dragged myself the width of the cage before I collapsed. My brother was stronger however, and he tore through the bars of his cage without effort."

Remus' voice went completely lifeless, but Sirius could taste the sorrow layered underneath the frost. "The hospital staff shot him. They didn't care that he was just a child. They didn't even care that his twin and his parents were watching. They just pulled the trigger of a shotgun loaded with a silver bullet and killed him. If I had had the strength that first night, I would have died with him. Instead, I just spent the night fading in and out of consciousness. Because my brother died and I didn't, the wolf takes out all of its rage on my own body. I tear myself apart every full moon; in retribution; in revenge. All I see is tainted with red. And even when I'm still human, there is a voice that demands my penance. It demands that I bleed and cry and torture myself. Sometimes it wants me to die. Other times it just wants to hurt me. I can't keep doing this forever. Sometimes I barely bleed, but sometimes the red won't stop flowing. I can lose more blood than most people have in their whole bodies and still survive. It's the price of my mortality. I'm held here without release, without joy. Nothing makes me feel. But somehow you made me at least _want_ to change that. I don't know why I suddenly feel things when you're around, but you gave me back something I didn't think I'd ever have again."

Sirius watched his boyfriend carefully in the half-light from the stars, his eyes having long ago adjusted to the darkness. He felt so much for the boy in front of him, and it was so confusing. The tumult was a rush, a high he had never expected to feel for any one person in his lifetime. _He loved Remus_. He loved him so intensely it hurt. He held the smaller boy tighter, burying his head on Remus' shoulder. He felt Remus shaking, and whispered, "It was never your fault. Nothing deserves your suffering. Nothing is worth that. I can't watch you hurt yourself like you have been. It's killing me. I'd rather you hurt me. Please, let me feel what you do. God, I don't want you to be alone anymore. Take it out on me instead. Please, just don't hurt yourself like this." He knew what he was asking, but the request didn't scare him anymore. He truly wanted to share everything with Remus, even the pain the other boy was in. He wanted the same scars, the same lingering aches to remind him of what was important. Everything was falling into place for the first time, and for once, he was calm about the risks, and every danger was worth the consequences. Remus was worth anything and everything he had to give.

Remus was staring at him, horrified, his eyes huge in an impossibly moon-pale face. "You don't know what you're asking. Please, take it back. The wolf would gladly take you up on that offer, and you'd wish you'd never been born. It would kill me to see you suffer for me any more. Don't ever ask that again. Please, Sirius. This isn't about proving your love for me. Just don't try to share my hell."

"You're asking me to live in it without becoming a part of it. It's not possible for me to love you without feeling what you do. And it's not possible for you to love me back unless I'm willing to feel your scars on my own body. You know it, and you think that somehow I can love you without being effected or changed in any way by that love. We're taking this too fast. I can't expect you to believe that I'm serious when I'm saying this all at once. Maybe you can learn to trust me over time..."

"Sirius, I do trust you, just, you're right, it's too fast for me. I'm afraid you don't know what kind of hell you're asking to share, or even what monster you'll be sharing it with. Werewolves are said to mate for life. I don't know how true that is, but believe me, each betrayal, each harsh word from someone I love hurts thousands of times worse than that razor blade I use. It takes a lot of confidence, or stupidity, to want to trust again. I have to trust you, and I don't think I can. It's too new. He hurt me, David did, and even now, when it's been over a year, it's hard to push all that pain away for a single glimpse of something better. He offered me a chance as well, and I trusted him just like you want me to trust you now. He seemed to care so much. I never even thought he was trying to hurt me all along. I needed him, and I didn't realize that he wanted me for one thing only—" Remus harshly interrupted his own reflections, "They say werewolves are more fun in bed. I guess that all depends on your tastes. If you like your lover a little heavily into S&M then I suppose I'm a pretty good fuck. The pain he gave me always made it seem more real, because I needed him so badly. I couldn't _afford_ to not have him. After my parents all but disowned me, I needed someone to care. I suppose if I think hard enough, it's pretty easy to blame everyone else for my problems, when in the end, it's just me who caused them, and me who could have fixed them as well. That's why it's so hard to ever want another relationship. I don't know whose fault it is that I suffered so much, and I don't want to believe that it was me. But if it was my fault then it was caused by my need. I don't want any more pain. I know now that it's easy to avoid the hurt if I never try to reach out and I never let any one inside. You're taking that away. I've kept it up for a year, ever since… David. Sirius, listen to me, I'm not as innocent as you think I am," he said suddenly, smiling bitterly, but his eyes were fierce when they looked into Sirius' face. "I want you to love me, but I'm afraid of you. I'm also afraid _for_ you. If you enter my nightmare, and you enter it all the way, there is no turning back. Ever. You'll come out every bit as messed up as me. I don't want that for you, because I care about you, but I do want it for my sake. Just make the right choice. Think of every horrible thing that you never wanted to think about and try associating it with me. You'll have to get used to living with every fear you've ever had. Please.... please be my reality." Remus' large amber eyes were so full of emotion that it left Sirius helpless to even hear his words. They would sink in later. Right now he needed to taste those tempting lips one more time. When he kissed Remus, the other boy gasped, his teeth catching at Sirius' lip and his tongue ready to meet the other in a second. It surprised Sirius that Remus could say everything he had just said, and still accept a kiss with such obvious needy fervour.

When Remus broke the kiss, Sirius was disappointed, but the feeling was replaced by perfection when he felt Remus' lips travelling down his jaw towards his neck. The werewolf nipped on Sirius Adams apple, making him gasp and whisper a breathy plea for more. The talented mouth continued its way downwards to latch on with renewed enthusiasm on Sirius' collarbone, an irritated jerk of Remus' hand pushing fabric out of the way to expose more moon-lit skin to sharp, but surprisingly gentle teeth.

"Remus… I love you. I will tell you every time I see you if you want. I will whisper it every time you kiss me, every time I hold you, every time we talk. I will tell you while you sleep. I won't ever stop saying it. I will tell the whole world. Please, love me back?"

"I do." The tawny haired boy lifted his face earnestly, and the sight of golden eyes staring up at him between long dusky lashes made Sirius want to scream and dance and cry all at once. It was too perfect to be described by words. It was something he didn't think he had ever felt before or could ever feel again with another being. No one mattered half as much as the person he was holding right now. It was blinding and overwhelming as well as subtle and steadying inside his mind. He felt Remus as a presence inside of his own consciousness. One he wanted to have inside of him forever. Nothing had ever been or would ever be this perfect. All the awkward moments, all the tears seemed trivial.

To Remus it was like waking up from a long dream. He felt like Sirius was giving him something solid to hold on to when everything else had slipped away. At first it scared him, but just being held by someone he cared about caused the fear to fade, and after a moment he began to feel the other fears dissolving as well. He wanted this... he wanted this. He wanted this! The feeling amazed him. "…never want to feel any of that again, Sirius. I trust you. I remember how. I feel like I'm finally free. He's gone, from that place in the back of my mind where he was hiding. You've chased my monsters away, and now I can see, because you brought me light when I didn't think I could ever let anyone in again. Strange that you would be the one to change all that. I fell in love with you a long time ago. But I gave up on dreaming a long time ago. I didn't realize that every time I looked away, it had been because you'd been staring too. It's so… strange… but I'm not afraid anymore. I love you. I want you to feel this amazing thing too."

"I already do. And it's because of you, Remus. You make me feel this way."

Remus smiled, a real smile, and his eyes seemed to contain everything Sirius had ever wanted to see; wonder, joy, euphoria, the first tentative stirrings of lust, and over it all, love.

The fierceness of Remus' kiss surprised him, but he returned it with everything he had. If this was love, then it was twice as perfect as he'd ever imagined. Nothing could intrude here. Not even that slight fear left behind in Remus eyes. Not even the horror that was lurking in the darkness that was rapidly closing in on Hogwarts. For Sirius, this was life. And for once he wanted to live.

"I want you to know…" whispered Remus. He was still smiling, but he looked unsure.

"What?"

"Everything. You deserve to know why it's so hard for me to want this. You deserve to understand, and I need your help. I want you to know about David and Romulus and my parents and then I want to let go. I want to feel something better, with you."

"That's what I want too." Sirius thought he would faint if Remus looked at him that way one more time.

"So this is what it feels like to believe in someone," Remus wondered out loud, a strange fluttering in his stomach making him feel light-headed and giddy.

Sirius just grinned. He felt like his entire body was glowing, and he would never be ordinary again.


End file.
